My Hell

December 24, 2017 (Sunday)

Hey guys. Today is Christmas eve. Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates. I noticed I have 1K reads, thank you all for the support. Thank you for caring weather through hate or disgust to keep reading. I also saw people are starting to read my poems too. I figured that one kinda flopped. Guess not. Thank you for that. I really love you all. I'm astonished that my blog has made it to 1K reads. I hope you all keep reading. 

I've been thinking lately, I was wondering weather or not I should stop blogging my life, or keep with it in 2018. I think I might keep writing in 2018, thanks to all of you. 

As for my Christmas, I'm not expecting much of any good thing. Let me explain what usually goes down on my Christmas holiday:

-My parents, my sisters and I go to my grandmas

-We have a nice meal and sit in front of the fire

-We receive gifts

-Later we have Desert 

-Then we head home..

This may seem like a good thing, and why should I complain? But stuff goes down between all this. For instance, there are usually some fights of some sort. Yelling, punching, etc. The rest of my family doesn't show up. Such as my cousins, second cousins, aunts, uncles, other grandparents, etc. 

I hate the holidays. I hate them because they remind me of how I can't see my family, and how the only blood family I have doesn't get along. Which I know is stupid, because I should be grateful for even having a family. However, I can't be. Because I don't love them. All I feel is pure hate for them. I hate most people. 

Thursday, I almost ended up on youtube, and no, its not a good thing. You know that "prank/joke" where ass holes go to people they think are mentally fucked up, or have no chance at dating anyone, and they tell you, you are cute. Yea. 2 people did that to me and my friend. 

I'm going to call them: Person 1, and Person 2. 

So me and my friend Nikki were sitting together at lunch. We were talking like we normally do, and it was a pretty normal day. That is until Person 1, and person 2 showed up. They told us, they wanted to let us to know that they thought we were cute. 

There are rumors that person 1 just came back from juvenile after a year. Not sure if it is true. Anyway, I told them that its not a funny joke and I know what they are doing. That its disrespectful and rude. Then I asked them to kindly fuck off. (Person 2: got caught by the police for smoking in the school bathrooms in 6th grade, is always in ISS). Person 2 then lost it and yelled at me, "Fuck you, skanky whore! It is just a prank, a prank for youtube. I recorded it." 

Nikki immediately jumped up and yelled angrily, "Hey! (Person 2)! I don't care what you think! I don't care what you do! But! You can't talk to her like that! You can't talk to my friend like that!" Both of person 1 and person 2, walked back to their table that was behind us. "Look, i'm sorry. It was just a prank. We are just going to put it on youtube." I told him again that its not funny. So he told me to stay butt hurt then. I just got up, and left. I told Nikki I was going to Guidance. 

I did, I left for guidance. Apparently recording a minor and posting it to youtube without consent is illegal. I don't know if they got in trouble for it. I don't know if I got justice or not, but I hope to find out. And Thanks to Nikki, I'm really glad she didn't just let it happen as a bystander. I had 2 other friends with me at the table, they just let it happen. Mia, and Lilly. They just watched it go down. I guess I know who my real friends are now. <3 Nikki. 

This is a good song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXMOcqqPNhQ

So yea, my poem called "Skanky Whore", I got that from this experience. 

Lately, I've drawn really dark shit:

-A broken heart with a sword in it, bleeding, stitched up, torn, safety pinned, band-aided, ablaze

-An emo-type girl, crying, a scar on her head and wrist

-A middle finger in a glass bottle, lighting near the top, a rainbow near the bottom. The middle finger has scars on the arm, and a hospital band. 

-A girl without a face, words that read "What face do you want to put on me today?"

-A whole page with just really small drawings of depressing things

-.....A girl who hung herself. Tally marks on the wall behind her, symbolizing the days she spent crying. Her body full of scars, a single tear. The moon in the window behind her is crying too. I colored one thing on this page, only one, the rope. The words are, "She felt she was trapped in a prison. A prison of depression, where the only key to escape was Death..." 

-Another emo looking girl, 1 middle finger, one okay hand. A noose hanging from the ceiling. Cracks on the wall made to look like a creepy face. Page shaded to look dark, the words, "...then she said fuck this world, and jumped into the NOOSE!" 

Yea...I'm darker then I thought. I find beauty in the weirdest things. Scars are so beautiful to me. The symbolize your fight, how far into your story that you are. Tears are like pools of pain from inside. The glisten your brightest and darkest moments. 

This is a decent song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GGhJ99tdJU 

Been super sensitive a lot as well lately, I can't get my past out my head. I just keep remembering everything that has gone wrong in my life. It keeps attacking me. Dropping bombs of bad memories. It hurts. 

This is good too, not sure if this is actually a song though: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bw5_hUJBYpQ

This too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6RWdfajong

Well...now I'm going back to thinking. Might write again later. I love you all. 

~Calli :/