My Hell

Thursday, November 9th

Hey, I think i've kind of forgotten the feeling of happy. What is it? What even makes a person happy? Happy is starting to sound like a fake truth made up to make others feel hope. Why do I help so many people but yet, when I need someone, its not both ways. People always beg me for help, but when I go and beg myself, because I can't take it anymore, people say they can't help me, they don't know how. I wish I didn't have to help everyone, I wish I could feel happiness, be happy again. But no, alas, it gets worse. 2x in the last 3 weeks my sister has tried to stab me. Sometimes I feel so alone, like its not even worth it anymore. I just want to feel alright. 

Why was I even created? Why was my soul even picked out from all the others that could of been my parents child? Why did I have to belong to this family? Why must I feel so depressed, feel the hurt that consumes me? Why must I have this anxiety? This stress? This pain? People say, there are other people who have it worse. That may be true in your eyes, but its all about perspective. For example:

A man robs a bank so he can feed his family, since he just got fired from his job. The bank goes bankrupt, and the man gets thrown in jail. 

Who had it worse? The man who got thrown in jail for trying to feed his family, or the bank that had to close? 

Some people would say the man, because he robbed to feed his family, he did something bad for the good. 

Others would think the bank, because so many people just lost their money. 

Is it morally wrong for me to want help for myself when other people just pile there shit on me? I will quote a "friend" on a screenshot of snap chat he sent me earlier, "I can't deal with it! You take your anger and sadness out on me without a care for what it's doing to my head! That's what i'm trying to say!"

People are sick bastards. They are selfish, attention-whoring, murderous cunts. I fucking hate everyone. I walk home everyday with my middle fingers up in the air. 

Why does everyone hurt me? Is it on purpose? Is there some cult of people targeting me to make me feel like absolute shit? Drag me so near to suicide? Stop fucking hurting me, why don't you?

Also, why the fuck am I made to be lonely? In real life friends are shitty. They use me, and forget me, neglect me, what is a true friend? A shitty person? Let me know. I need some. 

I literally break down for 2 hours straight last night, its getting so bad. I'm addicted to helping people, trying to save them. 

Anyways, I'm going to go for now, maybe i'll be back later, maybe I won't. I'll write sooner this time, see ya. 

-Calli </3