My Hell

January 9th, 2018 (Tuesday)

Website for stuff talked about below: https://www.nih.gov/

Have you ever tried to remember something important from your past but you just can't? This is happening to me. 

Basically there is this place in Maryland called NIH. NIH means = National Institutes of Health. I vaguely remember this experience since it happened before I was 12. I had originally thought the reason I went there was because my parents wanted to find out if I had a mental illness.

This topic came up when my older sister asked why I went to NIH and my mom didn't tell her. My explanation was I went to see if I had any mental illnesses. My mom said it was wrong. She said it was not for the same reason as my sister's. 

 I was thinking today, the other day my older sister asked why I want to this placed called NIH when I was younger. But my mom wouldn't tell her. So I told her what I thought the reason was and my mom said it was wrong. My sister went there for a year when was younger. And I had gone there once before her....and I don't even know why..

This is off to me. Because I re-asked my mom today and she said she doesn't remember. She said she's sure its on some paper in my house though. 

The thing is, was it so unimportant that she can't recall why? Or does she actually know? I would think the fact that I even went to one, especially one so well known, would be an important thing to know why. However, if she actually does know, why won't she tell me? 

Its very strange to me. Its my past, something I want to know. I feel like its important for me to know. Maybe my dad knows? I doubt it. 

Good song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mkePUgLO5U 

My favorite lyrics: 

"Well, I think you're better off looking alone,

'Cause the boys that chase your hips can go and find their way home.
And at the end of the day you think to yourself,
"My body is a product being sold on a shelf."
Well, tell me I can change,

I know you lay in bed
Contemplating your own death.
Well, just look at what you've done.
Don't you dare forget the sun, love!"

Also, my answer to the question of why I didn't see my second cousins is because my mom forgot we were supposed to go, I asked her if she apologized, she said no. Suspicious to me. 

I keep rethinking my past and I can't stop, its kind of like an addiction or a puzzle, that I want to figure out. I want to know why, why things happened. Why am I where I am in my life today? I keep thinking what if there is something i'm missing about knowledge of my past. I like to think that knowing your past can help better your thoughts of the future. It can help you to understand what choices you may make and what things you should watch out for. I mean...back to the NIH thing...you don't go there for no reason. 

My mind is so clogged with what happened, I keep racking my brain for a reason and I can't think of one. But maybe its not a big deal? Maybe i'm just over thinking again? I really hope not. Even Steven agrees with me. Martin wants to know, "I see why do you want to find out anyways?" Why wouldn't I want to know? Its my past. Its something I am curious about. Its something I think is important. You don't go to a National Institute of Health for no reason. 

I feel like my brain is clogging itself up with questions about my past. Things I want to know. 

"Don't you dare forget the sun, LOVE" - One of the best lyrics, because its like even in the darkness, don't you dare forget the good in your life. 

I'm grateful for Martin. Martin is one of the things that make of the sun in my darkness right now. 

Martin: "im not gonna tell you everythings gonna get better when i dont know that

im not gonna give you false hopebut i do know that i wanna help you and im gonna stay with you every step of the way" 

That is something I like. Positive but realistic. That is what I need in my life. I like his friends too, Brian and Ella. They are super chill. I find them fun to hang out with. Brian is especially funny. Brian stuck an ice cube in his ass and kept it there on a dare. 

I'm seeing less and less of Raven now a days, and more of Nikki. Nikki is actually really deep in the way she thinks, I like it. She comes up with questions most people wouldn't ask. I like the way she thinks. Nikki doesn't ask "basic" questions. She has asked me questions like, "What would you do if I was pregnant?" "How do you feel about abortions?" "If you are jealous of someone, what do you do?" "Would you ever get a tattoo?" "What would it be?" "What is something you would never do?" "Would you ever drink?" "Would you ever do drugs?" 

Answers:

Stay with her and do as much as I could for her.

 I mean...I guess its really up to the person getting them. I feel it is scary but really up to that person, not something i'd probably do because it would be scared to have it done. 

Ignore them, avoid them while being upset inside. 

Maybe, depends. Depends on the situation, would have to be something meaningful. Like a semi-colon, stitches, phrase, symbol or a quote. The thing for semi-colon is people have semi-colon tattoos to represent, "A semi-colon is used when an author could've chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life." -Project Semi-colon. There is a whole story behind the semi-colon if you look it up or look at this link: http://dailysignal.com/2015/07/09/the-moving-meaning-behind-the-viral-semicolon-tattoo/                       

Reason behind stitches tattoo: I think stitches represent scars. Scars represent how much a person has fought in their lives to get to this point. It shows they didn't give up and instead they kept fighting. Every scar has a story. :)

I would never sky dive, I hate heights. I'm scared of them.

Maybe when i'm of age I will try a drink, but I feel like I would get addicted cause my family has had an addiction problem to that. 

Probably would never do drugs, because I want to live, but without the high. I want to feel the rush without the high. 

Well, for now, i'm out and back to straight up thinking. See y'all tomorrow or something. 

~Calli <3