My Hell

Saturday, November 18th

What if....

Just what if..

What if certain things in the past didn't happen? Didn't happen to me? Would I be the same? Would I be different? Would I be less broken? Would I feel alright? Why can't someone save me? Why must I drown? 

I wonder, when people say depression is all just thoughts in your head, none of the shit that makes you depressed is all in your head, I wonder if reality is fake. That people who think happy is the actual way of life, I wonder if they have an illness. What if depressed people see the world as it is, and people who aren't depressed fail to see the world for what it actually is. 

What if depression is what the world actually is and the reason why everyone always tries to fix it is because they don't want you to know? 

That probably sounds stupid, but think about it. 

Online I use the name Angel instead of my real name. Sometimes when I tell people why I picked Angel out of every other name to disguise my actual name, ask why. "Why Angel?" They ask. You want to know why? Really badly? Well too bad, I'll tell you some other day.

One of my "friends" said they think i'm really fucking emo. I don't blame them. But still, fuck them. Maybe emos can see the real world... Maybe that's why doctors have them popping pills or taking therapy. To change their point of view, take away their ability to see the world for what is truly is. 

I'm tired of helping people when i'm so down. When they don't give any flying fucks about me. They drown and drown while venting it all for me. I spend so much time trying to help other people its literally killing me. Its going to make me insane. I need to help myself. 

You know, I got dumped yesterday from that toxic relationship because I disappeared for a few hours and wasn't able to help them. That was both a relief and a panic. It was a relief knowing I had escaped the responsibility of helping someone when I was so down. But its a panic because I know I can't help people much with how deep I am in the hole. If I keep helping it could make me kill myself, hurt myself, or drive me insane. I need out. Out of this hell. 

Right now, if I were to be in a relationship, I would need to be supported and not dealing with other people's bullshit. I know of 2 people like that. I don't know what i'll do about that yet. 

I can't do anything anymore, it hurts too much. I can't write anymore either. So here are some lyrics to the song's i've been listening to:

**(Please keep in mind these are not my songs nor are they full lyrics, so please do not copy and claim as your own, or say that they are mine, these are just lyrics I selected from songs that I've been listening to that mean something to me or I feel I can relate to.)**

"I'm faded. I'm faded. So lost i'm faded. I'm faded. I'm faded. So lost i'm faded. I'm faded." - Faded by Alan Walker

"Help, I lost myself again

But I remember you

Don't come back, it won't end well
But I wish you'd tell me too

Our love is six feet under
I can't help but wonder
If our grave was watered by the rain
Would roses bloom?
Could roses bloom
Again?

Retrace my lips
Erase your touch
It's all too much for me
Blow away
Like smoke in air
How can you die carelessly?

Our love is six feet under
I can't help but wonder
If our grave was watered by the rain
Would roses bloom?
Could roses bloom?

They're playing our sound
Laying us down tonight
And all of these clouds
Bringing us back to life
But you're cold as a night

Six feet under
I can't help but wonder
If our grave was watered by the rain
Bloom
Bloom
Again

Help, I lost myself again
But I remember you" - Six Feet Under by Billie Eilish

"I don't care if it hurts

I'll pay my weight in blood
To feel my nerves wake up
So love me now or let me go
Let me feel these high and lows
Before the doors to my heart close

Touch me someone
I'm too young to feel so
Numb, numb, numb, numb
You could be the one to

Make me feel something, something
Make me feel something, something
Show me that you're human, ohh
Make me feel something, something

I never thought I'd miss the bittersweet
I gave those years away
And lost my sense of taste
'Cause all of your lovers eventually fade
And leave you alone in the bed you made
And all of the colors that bleed to gray leave nothing

Touch me someone
I'm too young to feel so
Numb, numb, numb, numb
So give me just enough to

Make me feel something, something
Make me feel something, something
Show me that you're human, ohh
Make me feel something, something

So if you're gonna stay, then stay
But if you're gonna go
Make sure that you hurt me just enough to

Make me feel something, something
Make me feel something, something
Show me that I'm human, ohh
Make me feel something, something

Make me feel something, something" - Feel Something by Jaymes Young

"There is a girl

In the front of my class
Who I swear I've never seen
Do anything but laugh

  She's tall and she's smart
Beautiful and strong
And when someone's down

She tries to fix what is wrong

  How does someone so perfect,
Feel so insecure?
As to scar her skin with cuts and burns

And still want to hurt more...

  How does someone so loving,
Learn to hate her own guts?
Drawing a picture on her arms with a blade

As if her mind isn't dark enough

  There is a girl
In the front of my class
Who's eyes are glazed over

Like newly cut glass

  The ghost of a smile
Hints at her face
And she laughs as they tell her

"Who's on First Base"

  How does someone so perfect,
Feel so insecure?
As to scar her skin with cuts and burns
And still want to hurt more...
How does someone so loving,
Learn to hate her own guts?
Drawing a picture on her arms with a blade

As if her mind isn't dark enough  

  There is a girl
In the front of my class
Who's sad that you find it rare
To see her smile or laugh

Her friends tells her jokes
Like that one with the guy
But all she does is close her eyes
And enter her mind

  How does someone so perfect,
Feel so insecure?
As to scar her skin with cuts and burns
And still want to hurt more...

How does someone so loving,
Learn to hate her own guts?
Drawing a picture on her arms with a blade
As if her mind isn't dark enough

For her imperfections... 

There is a girl
In the front of my class
Who yesterday took
The breath that was her last...

She wrote a few notes:
"I'm sorry I didn't say,
But my mind was messed up,
You couldn't save me anyway...

And to the girl in the back of the class,
Who feels the way I did... 

  How does someone so perfect,
Feel so insecure?
As to scar her skin with cuts and burns
And still want to hurt more" - Dark Enough by Amanda Lopiccolo

Well...I've decided to be done writing for the night. See you guys soon. 

~Calli