My Hell

August 27, 2018 (Monday)

I've gotten really good at holding in my tears, keeping a straight face. 

But don't get me wrong, I am angry. So very angry. So very close to loosing my shit. So close. 

I can barely breathe. I always feel cold. I always carry this blanket around even though sometimes its like 76*F. But when I put it around me, sometimes I don't think its cold, I just don't want people to see me breaking. 

One second I feel like i'm reaching out for help, the next moment I feel like I want to give someone the finger. The amount of hate that fills me, its so unreal. I feel so shitty. I need someone to love me. Please. 

I trust almost no one. I feel like i'm losing my true self. I used to be this amazing person, a person filled with love, I hated no one. But people destroyed that. Give it back. Please. I cried almost every night I was away in Texas. I wasn't happy, I thought I was going to be, but I wasn't. Why is everyone so happy meanwhile I sit here so angry and sad. I want to breathe normally. 

The other day I was at my friend's sweet sixteen, she was so happy and I was keeping a balloon up in the air with her friends, and I had to think, what is this feeling? It thought for about a solid 2 minutes before I realized, I was happy. I was purely happy of something so simple. That's me, i'm happy over the simple things.

I had a nightmare last night. I went back to school, everyone was looking at me funny, I sat down and people started whispering. The teacher was going through slides to tell us what was planned for the year, she "accidentally" pulled up a screenshot of a conversation I had with someone on discord. Everyone was reading it and laughing and I started crying. Then someone yelled something (not going to say what), and I ran out of the class in tears, and I wasn't even surprised that teacher did it. It was my last year's English teacher and she was laughing at me. Its so fucked up. I ran to my best friends in the hall since they weren't in my schedule and they told me they couldn't be friends with me anymore. Because of my reputation. I ran past B110, the help I could of used, I just ran to the bathroom and sat in a stall sobbing. Then suddenly I was in a different place, a castle, I had on a black cape with a lightning bolt on my back. I was attending a boarding school (my dream school is a boarding school.) I made new friends and gained some bullies who soon also found the... (a screenshot of something else that wasn't what my original homeroom was laughing about, this is it), and shared it on a projector to everyone and everyone was gasping, and suddenly I was being moved by special services to be in Foster Care. That's when my nightmare ended. 

Today I found this video about this girl, Amanda Todd. Her story is a bit like mine. This part of my story, I will almost never tell anyone. This part of my story will haunt me forever and this part of my story could affect any future part of my story. 

This has fucked me up. 

If you haven't seen her video, this is it: 

I feel so angry. Why is everyone around me so happy without any effort or hard work? Why does everyone around me get everything handed to them? 

I feel so distraught. Why haven't I been able to get past my past, my depression yet? Why am I still stuck in this hole? It seems like every time I crawl out, the rocks slip out from under my feet and I fall again, through another layer of dirt and rock. Its just not fair.

My grandma says fair and because are 2 terrible words. 

She says fair is a prospective, and that is right. Fair always depends on the person looking through their eyes. It depends on what that person sees and understands is fair. 

What's wrong with because? What is wrong with because is most of the time what follows are because is an excuse. And excuses are just reasons made up by someone to justify an action. 

Well, I am depressed for so many reasons. Depression sometimes just happens to people. You can never assume anything about anyone without walking through their shoes. This is a figure of speech, but you will never truly know all of their story without also walking backwards in their shoes. 

After all, your past shows how you got here, and how can you move forward without realizing your past? In order to move forward, you must know your past or you know nothing. At least in my opinion. 

But.. "If you judge my past, don't be surprised when you become part of it." -Unknown 

^Same. 

Sometimes, I really wish I could undo this one mistake, well these 2 mistakes. These 2 mistakes fucked me up for life. I want something better. But I'm fucked for life. 

Sometimes every time I eat I feel like sobbing my eyes out. 

Sometimes I don't want to eat over 1,000 calories, it feels like then i'll just get fatter. I'll never be thin. I'll never be pretty. 

I don't want to go back to my old habit, but it feels like I should. Sometimes it really feels like that. 

I am alone. 

~Calli