My Hell

January 13th, 2018 (Saturday)

It hurts. It really fucking hurts. I want to feel loved the right way. Just because I say I missed my bf doesn't mean I'm horny af. It means I generally missed you and want to hang out. Why do you think I just wanted to fuck. No I don't. I just want to feel loved and cared about. I want to know what it feels like to know that you are understood. I want to know someone wants to hold me to their chest. I want to know what it feels like to be kissed. There must be something wrong with me. Because it hurts. It hurts to know that someone misunderstood what I wanted. I just wanted to be cuddled. I'm sorry i'm not a horny girl who just wanted to masturbate after you came back from cheer competition. I just wanted to cuddle. It fucking hurts. Trying to hold back tears hurts too. The thing is I love him so much. It might be unhealthy how fast and hard I fell for him. Ugh I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I need more friends. I was lonely all day today. It hurt me. I battled through it. I turned on a depressing song a few minutes ago and I meant to turn on the song you don't know, but some how I have turned on everybody lies. Either way, this is what I will cry to. I don't like crying. It makes me feel worse. But after awhile of holding it in, it just feels like i'm holding in a hurricane of tears. Like i'm just waiting to let it all come out. I really hate the feeling of an ocean in my eyes.

I think the reason why it hurts so much right now is i'm hella lonely. I can't do anything about it. Everyone is either busy af, or they don't wanna hang. It hurts to be so alone. It hurts to battle my depression so much. I forgot if I told you guys i'm not going to have a therapist anymore, the state cut it off. So I don't have one anymore, its just me, lonely, broken, depressed me vs the world.

I've noticed lately that whenever I need someone, they are all gone. I have noticed Tom is barely around anymore, as well as Raven. The people I once had and were so close to are moving away. It hurts me to not know who I can talk to or rely to be there for me when I really need it. For instance, Tom knew everything in my life. Well almost everything. When I started telling him things, I tried to keep him close, because the shit that I have told him, I don't tell everyone. I try not to tell anyone. I forgot if I talked about Shan. But I told Tom about Shan. I told Tom almost everything, and he's fading. Fading away. I want him to come back. I want Raven to come back. I'm lost. I'm alone. I'm afraid. I want to be fine. I want to be better.

I kicked Steven from my life again. But I don't know. I'm hurting so much right now. I want to scream out that I need someone right now. But its not worth it. Someone please save me, from this depression, from myself. I need someone to hold me, tell me that even though they have no clue what the future holds, they are going to be there for me. Hell, as soon as I started writing this, as soon as I started typing this, I haven't been able to stop writing this post.

I want to go outside and scream at the top of my lungs that I need help. Because I do. I'm lost, i'm alone, and its scary. I don't know who to turn to, I don't know who to confide in. I don't know who is a real friend and who is fake. And I just feel so alone. I need someone to save my soul.

I'm a dark person. I have a dark soul. My favorite color is black. I'm hella emo. But even an emo needs to, and should feel close to someone. They should feel loved by friends and others, even if their family downright sucks. I would love to say I hate everyone. But I don't. However I do hate most people. But I can tell for a fact one person I definitely don't hate. I don't hate my bf. No matter how much I feel mad at him for thinking I just wanted him to fuck me, thinking I only wanted/needed him for a fuck. No. I don't hate him. I love him. I know that sounds so fucked up and twisted, and maybe it is. I hate that he thought that, but I don't hate him. I love him. You know how I know this? I can feel something. I feel the warmness from sound of his voice, his cute texts, his adorable face, I can feel love from him. However, I can also feel pain. I can feel how much that hurt, like a stab to the chest. But I feltsomething. I didn't feel nothing from that. I wanted to feel something. Even if it hurt. I wanted to feel love, and he's done it. However, I still wish he wouldn't do that again. I hope he won't assume what I want.

When I type this blog, whenever I post, I feel the sweet release of emotions. Like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders. I like to vent on here, it feels safe. I just type whatever i'm thinking. I type it as I think it. This shit is raw.

People are leaving my life. The sooner I accept it the better. I just want it to stop hurting. I have a few friends that read my blog. I know they see how I write and what I write about, however in the future I have decided to not let it affect the way I vent in my blog.

Bella, she told me somethings about why she likes my blog. She only started reading it recently. Because I haven't been that open with her until recently. I'm going to quote her, I don't think she will mind. If she does, i'll come back and edit it to get rid of it when she sees it.

Actually, i'll just copy paste our convo and change the names, again. :P

I know this is all going to become one big paragraph after I publish, so i'll edit after.

And this is what Megan thinks of it, if she wants, I will come back and edit this out too.
**(^^Sorry guys, I had copied and pasted this but Wattpad is an ass hole and deleted everything I spent an hour typing.)**

My bf just asked me if I was ok, I said "I don't know." Because I don't know if I am. I'm just me. Living in this fucked up world, with my fucked up mind, being the fucked up emo that I am. But that's just me.

Sometimes, I like to think about how I don't know anyone like me. I've never met anyone quite like me. There are many things about me that I don't see in many other people. I don't know if I like that. I think I mostly like it, but there is an element that I don't like about it.

I like how I write this blog so raw. I like how they like that it is raw. I would like to know what you guys think though. I have a few stories on wattpad that I haven't published, for fear of not finishing them, do you guys think I should try to publish just a normal, fiction story on wattpad? I know a few of you at least read this, so I hope some people will leave a comment down below on your thoughts.

I think I have memorized the lyrics to Don't You Dare Forget The Sun by Get Scared. I really like it. I see a deeper meaning in it.

OK SO WATTPAD IS AN ASS HOLE AND JUST DELETED ALL OF THE ABOVE SO I DON'T FEEL LIKE WRITING ANYMORE TODAY. I'M ACTUALLY REALLY MAD ABOUT THIS. I SPENT AN ENTIRE HOUR WRITING IT. WHILE IN TEARS. SO I'M DONE FOR THE NIGHT. :D

~Calli >:(