My Hell

June 25th, 2019 (Tuesday)

I find it hard to happy lately. I'm irritable. I'm depressed. I'm lonely. Something is always wrong. And it bothers me. It truly bothers me that people can just leave me and act like we were never close. They can go on and continue their lives like nothing ever happened. Well guess what? We were friends, we were, whether or not they want to remember it or not, we once were close. 

I want to hate him. I really do. But for some reason I still care. I feel like hating is better than caring at this point, but I know if he came back to me and apologized to me, i'd be there trying to help him again. Its that toxic. I know if he messaged me and told me he wanted to be friends again, I would say let's do it. If he messaged me again yelling at me, telling me he wanted to kill himself again, i'd be right there to help him, in a seconds notice. I don't know how to kill this feeling. Its like wanting something to be what it was but knowing if I tried to go back into it, it would be even worse for me. Its best that I stay away from him. And that's why yesterday was so bad. 

You see, every year, my friend hosts a picnic in the park after finals. This year, she invited him. And we got really deep at the picnic, and for some reason when one of my friends had vented, he popped into my head, and he was right there. And I indirectly talked about him, while almost crying. And I felt so so, bad. It was like I could reach out and touch him, but I couldn't. I can't even begin to tell you guys how toxic that friendship was. And I know he doesn't even care about me. He never really cared about me, even though he said he did. But I know he didn't. Once he literally told me that, "When you are happy, I get mad". He didn't even want closure with me. After everything we have been through. Our friendship wasn't good enough for him to want closure. And that hurts like a motherfucker. But you know that feeling of really wanting something you cannot have? Its even worse with people. Because here's the thing. I hate him, but I don't hate him. I want to hate him for hurting me. I want to hate him for how he treated me. For not caring about me, but I don't. A part of me wishes to take care of him again. But another part of me knows that will never happen again, and even if I had that option, the healthiest option would be for me to say no. He doesn't deserve me, and I don't deserve to be friends with someone like that. But for some reason, at the end, my parents didn't want me to let go, they wanted me to suffer through caring for someone would could push me over a cliff and keep walking forward. He didn't care enough to say goodbye. I must remember that. There is so much I wanted to say to him, so much I still want to say to him. He put me through hell and back, but I still care about him. Why do I care? Make it end. 

I'm at the library. But I want to go home, curl up and sleep/cry. I have to fight that urge. I've been through so much since i've last talked here. I keep fighting the world when i'm exhausted, and I don't know why. It needs to stop. 

I told my dad yesterday how I got high honor roll all 4 marking periods and he yelled at me and told me i'm wasting it. Just because I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I'm 16 years old. How am I supposed to know what I want to do to for the rest of my life? How can the world expect anyone when they graduate high school to know what they want to do for the rest of their life? I have a plan for what I want, but even when I tell my dad, he tells me I changed my mind again. No I didn't. I have a steady 3 options, and he won't listen to them. Its all about what he wants. Why would I look at different colleges when it won't matter because he won't let me go to the one I want? He tells me i'm wasting everything because I won't do anything with the smarts I have. Maybe i'm thinking my choices through before I commit. Stop telling me who I want to be when you don't even know my favorite color. Stop insulting me for things I didn't do. Last weekend I mowed the lawn at my grandma's and I told him about that, how proud I was of myself to have done that for the first time and he said, "So what? You don't do anything around here so why does that matter?" Why can't you be proud of my accomplishments rather then making accusations all the time? Why can't you care about what I do instead of focusing on what I don't do? Why can't you appreciate me for who I am instead of trying to make me someone I am not? Am I not allowed to pick my own future? 

I don't know what you call the feeling of everyone judging you when you eat. Not wanting to eat because you are scared of what people think of you. What about refusing to eat because you don't want people to think you are bigger than you are?  What do you call feeling like crap before and after you eat? What do you call feeling completely hopeless on top of it all? 

I keep thinking, I want to go home, but I don't know where home is. I also don't know how to get there. I don't like being awake. Being awake is depressing. 

You ever just be sitting at the library holding back tears thinking about how you just want to run away? Me. I want to go somewhere. Go away. If I had a license, you best believe i'd be out of here so quick. I'd go on a road trip somewhere with a little bit of money and go find a clear area and sleep in my car under the stars.

I still want my dream summer - Escaping with someone, making out under the stars, skinny dipping, sleepovers, riding a motor cycle, sleeping under the stars, cuddling, snuggling, completing a summer list, etc 

This summer I might just get a job and have a boring, lonely summer where occasionally I get money. 

There's nothing to do anymore...i'm all alone...

~Calli