My Hell

October 28, 2018 (Sunday)

I almost lost my best friend last Tuesday...I almost lost him...

Not the type of loose like I lost him in a crowd. Or he ghosted me. Not that kind of lost. The kind of lost I'm thinking of is committed. Committed what? Committed Suicide. I almost lost my best friend to his depression. His depression and his anger. And his parents don't want to even consider getting him a therapist because "Jesus is your therapist". 

I do not think its fair that they won't get him help because "Jesus is the answer". Sure he might be to some people, but some people need the extra help. 

Even when my boyfriend and I  broke up last week a few days after I almost lost my irl friend, I didn't really care about breaking up with him. I only cared about my friend. I never want to think about any of my friends ending it. Especially not any best friend. 

When I looked into my best friend's eyes while this was going on, (I had video called him to make sure he was alright), I saw my middle school self in him, and it scared me. In middle school, I was suicidal a lot. I didn't think I'd be able to see another day. Every day I would think "there is no tomorrow".

I saw that in his eyes. That scared me. I don't ever want to see that in anyone eyes. It looks like someone who is suffering and really needs help. And the fact that his parents won't let him get the help he needs, hurts like a mother fucker. 

When it happened, I was with him on the bus on his way home and he gave me the finger and said, "You see this Calli!? Do you see this!? Fuck you!" He was sobbing and he yelled it at me. It made me feel like I was somehow responsible for whatever was going on in his mind. And I wasn't. 

He went home and went to his bathroom and started sobbing in the dark, on the floor. He put on his snapchat a lot of things and texted me and said he was going to kill himself.  I called him and videoed with him and got him to calm down before it became worse. Then I messaged his brother on snapchat with the screenshots and told him what was going on and told him he needed to tell his dad. He did. His mom also called my best friend. Then my best friend's dad came home. Talked to him, and went back to work. I don't think he knew the extent of what was going on. Then later, when my best friend didn't pick up the phone, his dad came back home. His brother showed his dad the screenshots and his dad broke down. He started sobbing and told my best friend he needed to switch schools. Because it was all the drama getting to my best friend that made him this way. But his dad didn't want him to get a therapist. But you can't run away from your problems, they follow you. 

Thank God he never attempted anything, which is what separates the range of exactly what happened with him and me,  but I was terrified. 

Since the incident, I've been worried. What if one day, I wake up and go to school and they tell me, he's gone? Or what if I go to sleep one night, and he messages me asking for help, and I wasn't there to save him? 

He told me he didn't think I cared. He didn't think I cared at all. He thought I hated him. That I was mad at him. I had to explain it to him that I cared and how I showed it. I need him to know I care. I cannot wake up and know that he ended it. That would not be good for me. And it definitely would not be good for him. 

Ever since it happened, I've been so loving with him, trying to make sure he stays okay and gets better. I'm scared. He might have promised me that he was never going to go down that road or self-harm, but things can change. I'm scared that he might leave one day and I'll never get him back because he died by his own hands. 

There has been so much going on lately. You all have no clue. I cried. I cried thinking he was going to be gone. 

I just need a break. Honestly. 

Well, nighty night. I'mma do my homework now. Bye-bye.

~Calli

~~Actually its more likely to be done at midnight but ya know..~~