My Hell

February 19th, 2019 (Tuesday)

Dear Nikki,

I never meant to hurt you. You said today you realized how different we are, I knew how different we were from the start. I also knew, you'd probably leave me. I know who you want me to be. You want me to be strong, and you want me to fight back. You want me to be the best friend you and your other best friend from your last school are. Best friends who gossip about people they hate, tell each other everything, and are so together they are inseperable. I knew from the start how different we were. I knew that I'm not as like you as you may think. But the thing is, I took a chance, a leap of faith. I will probably never be the person you want me to be. A lot of the times, when we talk, or hang out together, I'm uncomfortable. And I don't think you understand the extent. When I shop with you and you try to get me to wear certain items, and I don't feel comfortable- when you push me- I end up feeling worse about myself. I'm more sensitive than you in a lot of aspects. You told me that one time when we had that incident in the locker room, I like to talk things out with people. Honestly, that is wrong. A lot of the time I don't open up to people because I know they will probably leave me, laugh at me, or spread shit around. I don't blame them. I'm a lot. I know that. I think part of the reason why I don't open up easily to you is because I feel like you might betray me. Let me tell you, I haven't really met anyone like you before. We've been best friends for 2 years. I love you. You might not love me, or you might currently hate me, or be conflicted to what is happening. But in my mind, when I see you, I see so many things. It's a little bit hard to explain. When I look at you, I see a strong girl, someone who will make it in life, someone I would give up a kidney for, someone with this beauty I cannot describe. This beauty that comes with actions. I see someone who probably lived in a sad life but overcame that sadness and grew stronger. It fueled you. You look good in everything you put on. You have this type of beauty that is so natural it's rare. I envy that. But I accept it because when I look at you, I feel experiencing your beauty is gift in its self. You have this undeniable hunger for something more, an underlying passion. Me? I'm not like you. Sometimes I question why I get out of bed. Why should I? All of my life is falling apart around me, constantly. The thing that fuels me at school is my grades. I use my grades to lift me up. I get a drive. Because somewhere in my head, I believe I will concur my depression, even if right now that seems so impossible. Even if sometimes, I feel like making it after high school, is impossible. I want to prepare for a time when shit will get easier, I will be able to make it. I want to prepare myself as much as possible for the time I will be strong and fight back. Fight this bitch, depression, that holds me down. That tears me apart when I wake up. Maybe I will never get there, but that's what I prepare for, that's my power. Another difference between me and you, is your family is strong. Mine is weak. I think you have some idea, but not a total idea what goes down here. Currently I'm so torn. Shit is going down in my family. Maybe you don't know this, but I consider myself a sponge. A sponge that sucks up the dirt, the dark, that someone is experiencing and replace it with light. I try to. It's hard sometimes. Lately I've had so much going on I haven't been able to relax. Me and you, we are so different. I would love to tell you all the ways but typing on your phone for wattpad isn't as satisfying as a typing on a keyboard. I feel so lost. I want to tell you what's going on. But I fear I may have lost you too. I want to explain about the dress. I want to. But it won't really matter if you will leave anyways. I wonder if I had told you my biggest fear is abandonment. I won't guilt you if you choose to leave. I will let you leave. Because sometimes I feel like I hold people back. If I hurt you, you have free will to leave. It will hurt me, but if it's better for you, you can leave. But don't tell my shit to anyone. Because telling anyone hurts me. If you leave I only ask you tell no one, and I will do the same for you. What we do from here, is up to you. I love you, Nikki. I'm sitting here crying, writing on wattpad on my phone, while listening to a sad song, trying to show you how I feel in this blog. If you want to go, I won't try to convince you to stay, if you love something, sometimes you need to let it go. I want to keep you, but forcing anything would not help either of us. I get it. Sometimes roses need a bigger garden to grow, even if that garden doesn't include a sunflower (you might get that reference if you'd watch Sierra Brugess is a loser). Anyways, I'm not thinking straight right now. You let me know what you want. But I don't want to lose you, especially not now. However, I will not stop you, if you choose to leave. I will not guilt you.

I love you,
Calli