My Hell

Feburary 17, 2020 (Monday)

Knowing that its wrong to let someone who doesn't deserve you hurt you is like knowing water isn't wet. It doesn't seem true but it is.

Sometimes when im typing my blogs, I realize just how hard it is to put everything in my mind down on paper. I think I lot. So much it kills me a lot of the time. I can't breathe. I don't have a moment of silence. Not really. Sometimes the thoughts speak louder than words.

🎵Does it get better? Does it get better?🎵

Honestly. How much do people/my friends expect me to be able to take. People who are supposed to be my friends, who claim to be my friends, aren't really my friends anymore. Time and time again they have been belittling me and beating me with their words.
What is wrong with you people? You call me a friend but when im down you kick my sides with your harsh words until I am weeping.
"You're needy af" Yes, I am. I told you from the start. I never once made that a deception. I always remember to state that at the start. Don't act like you didn't know.
"You act tough
You think you're hard
But you're not" First of all, I know im not hard. I don't think im tough hard. I know I'm fragile and sensitive. I know if you flicked me, I'd cry. I don't need you to tell me that i'm weak. I get it.
"Your life isn't as terrible as you think it is." That is the most of unfair thing they have ever said to me. The thing about people is you only really know what they tell you. Especially online. That is what you know as fact. Everything else about them is unknown. Assuming that their life isn't shit based on what they have allowed you to know makes you a horrible person. You don't get to be the dictator on what is bad and what is not.
How can you keep using me as a punching bag for when you are upset over other things. I am not uour
your punching bag.
I recognize i'm not a strong minded person but I also recognize that im not weak in my everyday battle with my depression. No one who has to battle with real, diagnozed depression everyday is weak. And you can't say i'm wrong either. You've never had depression, you don't know what its like to be stuck in this mind set. To feel like you don't possibly know how you will get through your life because every move you make is wrong and you feel like you can't. To know that you aren't good enough. To know you can't be better as hard as you try. Dating someone with depression is not the same as experiencing it within your own mind. It is a different experience. You only know the words they speak not the words they keep inside. I don't care if you dated them a week or 6 years. Its not the same. You can say I'm wrong. You can critize me all you want, but you are wrong. Depression is a disease and if you do not have it or do not study it with a degree, you cannot fully understand the length and extent of everything that goes through a person's mind with it everyday.
I don't know if I will make it. That is my truth. But I'm fighting for it. And you cutting me like knives with your words does not help.
Fuck you. Do you feel better now?
I know. I know that if I stay here I might not make it. I also know that if I leave here, I might not make it either. And that is a scary thought.

But either way I may not have a choice. My mom might kick me out because I won't do what she wants me to do. Which I cannot say.

Oh btw, this is what I said yesterday to that person which I just want to post so that you hear it. Because it is raw and true.

Anyways, now I have to go do my homework.
But one thing before I do, my coworker got fired, the one who yelled at me and made me cry after he did that unspeakable act.
Begone thot.