My Hell

March 31, 2018 (Saturday)

How do I explain this?

I guess people really thought I was getting stronger, but I thought so too. I'm not. I'm still in pain. I'm still depressed. Still hurt. I want to feel better, I really do. People keep asking me out, I can't right now. I can't do a relationship. My life is a burden. The pain that I feel, its a burden. I don't want to give it to anyone else. Ever. No one deserves to feel this. No one. 

Its shit. Shit that I even have to feel this. I'm holding back tears right now, I 'm actually curled up right now. I'm stupid. I feel like shit. I talk myself down, I do. I want to die. So badly, or make it all go away. But I can't. I am weak. I tried to get stronger. I really did. I failed. I'm sorry. I'm sorry guys, I really tried. I want to feel better. I want to be a better me. Instead, I'm still me. Small, sensitive, broken me. By god, I want everything to improve. 

Nikki recently played the "I hate" game with me. I found it fun and a good way of bonding. I played it with someone else as well. Max. Let me explain the "I hate" game. Its played by saying:
"I hate that you_________" or "I hate how you __________________" etc

One thing that I said for both of them is, "I hate you have it so good." I know its selfish, but I really do hate it. I hate how nothing really conflicts in their lives without them even trying. I know how people say, "You don't really know, they could be lying." They are my friends. I do know. You know what they said back to me? "I hate that you have it so rough." 

I used to really, really believe in God. But that's been slipping away. If God's testing me, he needs to stop. Its bullshit. Its going to kill me. 

My parents want to put me on meds, or they have mentioned it. But if they are try, I will take them. But I will probably overdose on purpose and kill myself with them. 

My parents keep pressuring me about college and shit. But at this point, I might not even go. I don't know what I want to be, and I don't want to have student loan bills for the rest of my life, or go just to make other people happy. I'm tired of trying to please others. 

Last Thursday, someone abandoned me again. Its bullshit. 

Today, I tried to figure out who someone on my friend's list was and they told me they were jesus. So I responded with "I don't believe in Jesus anymore, and you can't send me to hell because I'm already here." 

I should get some more long sleeve shirts. For 2 reasons, 1 being i'm always cold. 

I started writing a story, not sure if I'll ever finish it though, I'll still post it. Maybe I can keep myself inspired. Its about Romance, friendship and something else, but if I said, i'd spoil it. Though, if you are sensitive to cursing, anything sexual, or any type of depression thing, I suggest not reading it. (Though, if you are, why the fuck you reading my blog for!? lol Just kidding. Love you all.~ Cept Larry.) Its going to be called Wake Me Up When Tomorrow Ends.

This is the description:
I'll never forget the day I met Matt, he was so vulnerable, such a contrast to now. Sometimes when I close my eyes at night, I am still able to see the day we met. It was the first day of 2nd grade after all. On the day we met, I was wearing a dark green shirt and baggy jeans, with a pair of white converse sneakers. It was recess, and I was so excited to be outside in the blinding sunlight. Out of the corner of my eye I had seen a kid in overalls, red converse and a black T-shirt with glasses getting shoved on the playground....

I hope you all will read it. I have about 2 chapters done and will hopefully post them later if I can ever find a picture of red converse or black rimmed glasses for the cover.  Don't ask. 

Well...

I'mma head out now. See y'all soon. Sorry that this is shorter then normally. 

~Calli </3