My Hell

Technically November 25, 2018 (Sunday)

(Technically because atm its 12:43 am)

I'm writing per request Nikki, so you can thank her for this. 

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. 

List of shit that has happened: 

-My Great Uncle left us (he died) at age 82. 

-Someone special has impacted my life in a new way, even though they were already in my life.

-Taco is still fucking depressed. 

-I feel like i'm leading a secret fucking life. 

-I've been feeling really fucking content. 

-I just realized how much I'm saying fucking. 

-All my grades overall were 92% or up.

Ok, fuck the rest. I need to like vent with fucking key ass words. Not going to explain why. 

Also fyi, done with online dating. That shit never works out, and I'm ready for the real fucking thing. Sorry to anyone who reads my blog and is online and likes me, but I'm done, for real. I realized, that there is also no point to it because think about it, there is nowhere for your relationship to go unless you are like 18+. 

Okkkkiiieeee I'm practically dying over here. I'm like really fucking proud of myself and happy for what I did and am still doing. But I can't tell you that thing right now, so I 'mma just continue this ass way. 

Everything I am touching figuratively lately is turning to gold. 

See, I really want to tell you about "Someone special has impacted my life in a new way, even though they were already in my life." But I can't. Not right now. Not even today when it was my first fucking one. And you can take that sentence however you want. I'll eventually tell you what happened today. As soon as I open the can to someone else and share the beans. But for now, I'll keep the betweens between me, myself and the other person. 

Guysss i'm like dying of happiness from today though. And the other day. And today. And more today. Like Jesus. What the fuck. I just keep replaying today's memories, over and over. Ughhh I just wannaaaa-- yes. 

They are so fucking nice. So fucking considerate. So fucking sweet and cute. And they want a second one. 

I've been thinking. Just now (and sometimes in the past) how one-sided some of my friendships are. 

In some of them, I feel like a fucking therapist. And I want to be more than someone you just vent to, I want to be your friend. I want to have fun and stop worrying. I don't really want to carry all your baggage. Remember, I have my own? Sure, I'm not always venting to you, that's because I have boundaries. 

Taco, I just want to say this to you, and I don't know how to say this to you without sounding like a dick, so here it goes: The reason why I hug people more often than you, is because they aren't always hugging me and being on me. I need my personal space. The reason why I hang out with people other than you and invite them to my house is that I have more friends than just you. If I don't tell you, understand that it's my fucking business. I don't have to tell you why. We need to set fucking boundaries. I feel like I'm being used a bit. You can't always be hanging on me, touching me, etc, you make me feel uncomfortable when you do that. Also, you make me uncomfortable when you invite yourself over. I feel like you lean on me like I am your only support beam, and I can't do that. I need to focus on myself too. Our friendship is a bit unhealthy. Let me know when you want to talk about our friendship. I've just been realizing, our friendship, it's negatively impacting both of us. For example, whenever I feel happy, I feel guilty because of your depression and how sad you get. I hate when you downgrade yourself, it pisses me off. I don't know exactly what you expect me to do. Even if I repeat things over and over to you, you can't change unless you want to. You can't be happy unless you want to. I can't force you to be, but you also can't be bringing me down like this. I'm finally happy, please, please don't drag me down. I know you don't mean it, but it is how it is. How is it hurting you? You are leaning on me for advice and help instead of trying to solve things yourself, and you need that skill in life because when you go out into the real world, you are going to have to learn how to deal with things. I know you want me to tell you what to do, but I can't. I can't decide how your life goes. And I'm glad to calm you down in an emergency or make you happy, but I can't get vented to 24/7. And you can hate whomever you want, its what you do about it that affects everything. You can't go around beating up everyone who gets in your way or hurts you. There are fight and flight methods, sometimes you just have to know when to walk away. There are so many methods to let out your anger, but yelling at people and beating people up, isn't the way to let it out. You could legit get expelled for that. Be the bigger person, just smile, let it go, and walk away. Holding grudges only hurt you, not the other person. That's why I have let some shit go. You can't be angry forever. Why waste your life away hurting over something that happened a while ago? Yea, anyways message me when you want to talk about it, no hard feelings. 

Idk anymore, i'm just super fucking tired and I have a lot on my mind. Night guys. 

~Calli <3 and </3