My Hell

February 2nd, 2018 (Friday)

Right now it is currently 11:26 pm, by the time I post this it will probably be Saturday, but you know, whatever. 

I love Martin. Like a hell of a lot. So much that it hurts. It hurts that Shela keeps trying to pursue him even though he is with me. Shela....she told him she loves him...

Nikki once asked me why I don't fight for the guy I want. Why should I have to fight? If he doesn't love me without the fight, why chase him? 

I feel like Martin still loves her. I don't fight for guys, if I see a sign of a fight, I won't stick around. You know why? If you can't tell her to fuck off with it on your own when you are with me, then you aren't worth my time. I'm actually super upset about this. Earlier we were in a call, and I kept hearing him texting, so I kept asking, each time he told me it was Shela. And he was laughing. He said he had to keep leaving to tell his friend something, I think he was taking about her. I don't think he's cheating, it just hurts. So much. I'm crying. I like totally wasn't going to write today either but that changed my mind.

I hate it so much. Why can't she just fuck off with that, she hurt him, she's still hurting him. She lost him. He's my boyfriend now, and she knows this. I can't deal with it. I feel like i'm drowning. What people say to him or what she says to him, it makes me wish I didn't love him, so I wouldn't feel as hurt as I do. I actually feel pain in my heart. How can this keep happening to me? It burns, it feels like a pain in my chest. I don't like people. I hate people. I don't know what to do. I can't tell him to change, I can't tell him to block her, but I won't fight for him. I'm not about that life. But I don't want to be hurt, not again. I want to message her and tell her to step off. But I can't. For several reasons. 

I wanna mention something else too. Lately, i've noticed, i've become a target again. Since 5th grade, i've been a target to people. I've been picked on, made fun of, hurt physically and mentally. At the age of 12, I almost ended all of it. Several times. However lately, I've noticed it coming back, being targeted by the ass holes. I thought I had ended it all in 8th grade, apparently not. Its back. Time to be the target again. Let me just tell you, it hurts so fucking much to be made fun of, mocked, or picked on. If you see anyone in a situation where they look or seem to feel powerless, stand up for them, because isn't that what you'd want someone to do for you? 

I wish someone would do that for me. No one does. They watch it happen. Dumb by stander affect. If this keeps up, I swear i'm not going to hold back anything, I won't be able to. Goddammit, I hurt so much. I wanna go home. I want out of here, I want to go to a better place. Why does no one understand. I thought I had figured out how to be ok, I guess not. I was wrong, big shocker? I think not. You know. I hate watching people, or my friends just stand there and watch and do nothing. I feel so weak and powerless, I just want to end it all. But I can't. I can't believe people can just stand there like a damn deer in headlights and do nothing about someone getting picked on, made fun of, or mocked. You know, I decided about a week ago, that I would look for the bystander effect and make sure I was never a bystander. The shit I go through, I don't want anyone to ever have to go through. 

You know that kid Matt from last year? The one with the Popsicle sticks and stuff? Well he's fucking annoying in my gym class, he yells things like "Shiza!" and he curses and yells at us when he misses a ball or something. He shows off, he makes us feel like utter crap, and he kicks away the ball in things like volleyball. He gives me so much anxiety. Sometimes, not going to lie, I want to punch that damn smirk off his face. He pisses me off so badly. You know what my dumb ass English teachers did though??? They moved our seats, and now I sit behind him. 

I'm starting to really hate English class to be honest, I hate group projects, you know why? Because no one does their fucking work, or people like me with an A in the class get put with people who have a D grade and won't help. Its so damn frustrating. Sometimes I really want to jump out a fucking window. 

I got a phone on Wednesday, I set up Thursday, now I just need a case. I payed for the phone, its an LG (aka a good fucking phone), ain't no crap phone, not this time. 

I want to feel better. I want to be better. I don't know what to do if my heart gets broken. Martin has a good heart, he does. But maybe he just sucks at being in a relationship. I've turned everyone down at every attempt they make to seduce me or flirt with me, him, not so much. In my opinion at least. Maybe he's just not a relationship man. But boy does it hurt, it would be better if he just dumped me instead of hurting me. 

Why don't you understand that you telling me someone tried to seduce you but you turned them down hurts me? Just knowing that they tried, that many people try. I feel like you are indirectly telling me you have options, but listen honey, so do I. But I love the one I have at the moment, but if you don't love me back, then leave. I'd rather be hurt then trapped in a lie. Why is it so fucking hard for you to understand you are hurting me. You are hurting me, but I won't let go-- Holy fuck. I sound like Steven. The difference is i'm in a relationship with someone. The person that I love. However he chases me while not in a relationship. He doesn't want to be just friends, he'd rather hold on for dear life over the bumps and through the gunshots. Am I beginning to understand his pain??? 0-0

Why do people choose to hurt me? Why does my family hurt me? Why do the people at school hurt me? Why does this love hurt me? Why am I beginning to understand Steven's feelings? Goddamn. 

I want to go shower. So...see y'all either later or in a few hours because now it is Saturday.

Might stay up all night though. 

~Calli </3 

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