My Hell

February 19, 2018 (Monday)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pnCHxVsbNI

I just looked something up. 

I looked up what it means to feel like you want to be left the fuck alone and wanting to be near someone, according to google, it means suicide. Or being suicidal. Literally the first thing that came up was the suicide hotline. 

I mean its not wrong. I feel it. I feel it inside. But I'm battling it. 

Fuck Larry. Because I know he likes to see me down. Fuck him. I half want to message him, even if he beats me down. At least he would talk to me. Maybe he would be able to end my misery. I don't even want to vent to my best friends about it. 

I don't want to tell them how shitty my life is. I don't want anyone to know whats going on right now, not really. I want to be able to say, I've won. I survived, I beat everything. I'm finally happy. But guess what, i'm not. So fuck you. Fuck you depression. 

Fuck my dad. He doesn't see anything wrong in his fucking marriage. I heard from my mom that they used to get marriage counseling. However they don't go anymore. Why? Because my dad doesn't see anything wrong with the marriage. He hurts me and my mom mentally. He blames everything on me and my mom. He doesn't see anything wrong with how things are right now. We, (me and my mom), can both see things wrong with their marriage. He doesn't see it. He doesn't listen to me. He blames me for so many things. He yells at my mom. I think he hit her too, the last time everyone in my house was fighting. That was a few days ago.--

I don't want to go on. I don't want to think about it. I think I'm just going to go talk to Larry now. I know in advance this is a mistake. But I will do it. I think. 

~Calli

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Btw, Happy Presidents day.