My Hell

January 26, 2018 (Friday)

Have you ever tried to protect a friend even when they physically hurt you? I feel like most people would think its fucking stupid. Why not just let them take the fucking hit. Because after all, they choked you and held you down into the ground. But what if I don't want that? She wasn't thinking. What if I don't want to let her go? Is that so wrong? 

Is it so wrong I didn't want her to turn herself in? I didn't want her to get the detention. I want to protect her, and I'm not sure why. But I definitely don't want her to take the hit. Its stupid, I know. I don't want it on her record. I'm worried that she will get something on her record. I don't know why I'm so worried about her. I don't know why I care so much. Yes, my neck hurts. But, I couldn't give less of a fuck. I felt something from her when she went to turn herself in for tackling me, and making it hard for to breathe. Maybe it was fear? Hurt? Maybe she took out whatever she was holding in, out on me. But I can't be mad, I asked for it. I asked for her to fight me. I admit, she did scare me a bit, shocked me too. But who can blame her. She said her mind blanked, I believe it. I know she instantly felt bad after. There is something in her, that I really like. She went to turn herself in you know. But I didn't want her to get in trouble. I don't know if she will be in trouble. I'm worried. Because the disciplinary director is going to talk to us on Monday. I'm scared he will have to call my parents and tell them, or call hers. Because, if he calls mine, i'll never get to talk to her or hang out with her ever again. And I've worked so hard to give her a perfect image for my parents. I've vented to her about things I don't tell most people. I don't want to loose her. And maybe its stupid. Maybe it will cost me. Maybe I should just let her take the blame, but I don't want to. She means something to me. If the school calls her parents, I swear they will never let me talk to her or see her again. And they will tell her, "I told you so." Because they warned her, I'm white, and she's Spanish, people will believe me over her more. And I know her parents may believe I would snitch on her if something ever happened between us, or I'd rat her out. I don't want to break the trust that I wouldn't do that before I even gained it. You see, Nikki, went to see our case manager (who is the same for both of us), but I was already there, crying, because I was so shocked, so scared, so hurt. But I didn't want to snitch on her. Or say anything about it. People in there kept asking me what happened, and told me if I couldn't talk about it, I'd have to go back to class. I knew I wouldn't be able to do that, go back to class or rat her out. Because I didn't go there to rat her out. I didn't go there to get her in trouble. I went there so I wouldn't cry in class or get it counted as a cut. She walked in and saw me crying, another case manager by my side. The case manager asked her what she was doing there, she said, "I'm actually here because of Calli. I came to turn myself in for a detention. I hurt Calli." I was downright sobbing, I don't like to cry in front of people, and I had never cried in front of Nikki before. Maybe I was imaging it, but I could feel her being sorry. There was witnesses to what happened, but Nikki said there wasn't. I let it go. I believe she was protecting me. She knew if she gave names, they would testify I was bothering her, because they don't like me. Her version of the story:

"Calli was saying fight me, fight me, like in a joking way and I knew it. And I just kinda blanked out, I stood up on the bench, and wrapped my arm around her neck from behind, and I wasn't able to put her in a choke hold, so I fell back, with my arm still around her neck. She came with me, and fell on top of me. And I just kinda stayed there with her."

I believe in that moment, she came back to her senses. I could only whisper, "Please let me go. Please." because I felt so weak. I tried to move my arm, to move hers off. But I couldn't. I choked up. I had to hold in tears until I got to the case managers office. But, if the hammer comes down on her, I swear. Is it so wrong that I want to protect her? Since I got home i've been on and off crying. I haven't really talked to anyone on discord today. I wanted to distance myself. I can't think straight. All I can think about is what if she gets blamed for this? What if this goes on her record? Why the fuck do I care so much about her? I will never forgive myself if the hammer falls on her. It wasn't her fault. Weather or not she agrees, I agitated her. I kinda had it coming. 

She keeps telling me its her fault, and to let her take the blame. But I refuse. I won't. I will fight that administrator with my voice until there is nothing left in me. I don't get in trouble at school often, but I would do it for Nikki. I was going to cut class for the first time to keep from snitching and from crying in class. I would fight for the right to keep her my friend and keep her out of trouble, even if she could never talk to me again. I know I keep repeating myself, and I know its stupid. But she's my friend. She's told me before, she can relate to me because of she's been down a bit like me. And she saw that in me last year. She's told me she picks select groups of friends. That makes me feel special. Not to mention...she's like one of the prettiest girls, you've ever seen. Her smile could brighten anyone's day. Her skin is flawless, her hair is some type of different, better soft. Her eyes shine adventure and courage. She's so humble and sweet. 

Man...I think I love her, but maybe its Platonic?  

Also, its Tom's birthday today, happy birthday Tom, I hope you don't read this until tomorrow. 

Also, Reese came back yesterday, he may become my best friend again. 

Well...now i've got to go...cause I need to think some more. 

I love you all, 

~Calli <3