My Hell

February 8th, 2018 (Thursday)

Long story short.

I had a midterm today, I cried in school during it, not because it was hard, even though it was, but because everything is getting to me. 

My mom sent me an email asking what I wanted out of several links she sent me. I replied like this: 

  Why not just ask me for clothes or things that I want? Its a lot easier then you playing the guessing game when you don't know anything that I like.
For example:
1st link: ew its pink
2nd link: Ugh
3rd link: Too much shoulder
4th link: Its ok I guess
5th link: looks the same as the third
6th link: EWWWW UGLY UNDERWEAR

I would like a phone case and a new brush. You know what else I would like? For everyone to stop harassing me, or making fun of me. Or putting me down. Or telling me how to live my life. For everyone to stop telling me i'm not good enough. For everyone to stop bothering me. You guys are always mad I never leave my room. I never leave me room because its comfortable here, no one makes fun of me, no one yells at me, no one comments on my life, or puts me down. Its safe here. I'm free to be me. I don't have to deal with yelling or fighting or anything that goes on outside of this room. This is a thing for how dad treats me sometimes, its called Emotional and Verbal Abuse. There are many different levels of it, you can say i'm wrong all you want. But from my point of few, thats what it is. His words hurt me. They make me cry, they get under my skin. Make me feel like i'm worthless and not good enough. When I yell back at him, i'm yelling back to show that it isn't fair. I shouldn't have to put up with this. With him making such a big deal about when I wanted a box of tissues or some cough drops. He doesn't treat my sisters how he treats me and its not fair. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to talk to my sisters who feel, or at least show that they are better then me. This house is a terrible place to be. I don't want to be here. Everyone here makes me feel unwelcomed and like I don't belong. You all hurt me. I don't want to be here. So you know what I want? I want to be happy, stress-free, and not dealing with all of this. Thats all I want. All I will legitimately ask for besides a phone case and a brush. I want you to open your eyes and see how much it hurts me to live here. To deal with this. And how much it hurts to see you just sit there and watch and not do anything about it. Because believe me, it does.   

So yes, I sent that to her. Because that is what I truly want. Nothing else. I would give up almost anything in the world to have that. I don't want clothes. No material things other then what I need. I want to be better. I want to be happy. I want to be ok. That is all I truly want. Yes that is an actual email I sent. Not i'm not kidding. That's actually not what I want, that's what I need. 

I'm off to bed now, 

~Calli