My Hell

June 25, 2018 (Monday)

(Btw, its really early in the morning so I might do another entry tonight. Its 1:25 am atm) 

I'm pretty much done with the internet. I want to delete everything. 

The internet used to be such a beautiful, nice place to be. I used to feel so loved. This place used to be everything. These days I dread using it. I think its making me depressed. There is just too much drama and shit. I hate this place. 

This place is full of anger, and hate. Its filled of people making jokes that I can't take cause i'm just that damn sensitive. The people who seem so great, really aren't. They make jokes and make you hate yourself so damn fast. This hate started awhile ago when those people followed through with the blackmail, but now I just see the hate for the internet growing. I think I might just disappear from it. This place makes me feel so bad. 

Maybe i'm just too damn sensitive. Maybe so. But I really don't give a fuck. If I tell you to stop, fucking stop. If I tell you to be nice, be fucking nice. Don't be such a dick. I'm running out of people to trust, the people I trusted so much, I don't really trust anymore. I'm trying to but its so damn hard, even in real life. I feel myself fading away. It would be so easy just to give up. 

I thought this summer I would finally feel better after school and shit, but i'm just not. My stress is still growing, i'm getting angrier and angrier. I miss when me and Max got along tbh. I miss when people didn't give me so much shit. I miss when I didn't give a fuck about anything. I miss feeling like everything was amazing. Now everything is shit. I want to run right now. So damn fast and so damn far, but I can't. Not right now. Not when I have the motivation. For me, the motivation comes at night, when I can't run and scream. But in the morning, its gone and I just want to sleep forever. 

I miss feeling like I belonged. Even in real life. There was a fucking picnic, I was invited to it, but no one talked to me. And when I left, I said bye twice and no one fucking noticed. If anything, I feel more emo now then I ever did. I want a fucking hug, but I know if any of my friends I know in real life try to hug me, I won't want it, or let them. I hate feeling this way. 

I want to scream so fucking loudly. Its not fucking fair. My dad has been away for a month, and this entire month, my little sister has been spoiled by my mother and i've gotten nothing. She's gotten new clothes, good food, she gets to watch TV all day, and my mom protects her. I'm so fucking mad. 

Every fucking day lately, all I do is talk myself down inside my head. I don't feel good. I really don't. I'm fucking crying right now. I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough. I'm too fat. My nose is too big. I'm rude. I feel like utter shit. Nothing looks good on me. Nothing I like fits well on me. I don't love myself. My family doesn't love me. People at school make fun of me. My own family makes fun of me. I feel like every step I take up, someone places their hand on my chest and pushes me back down the steps a little and then they just laugh. 

I regret everything i've done since I was 12. Everything that got me here. 

Taco has been really sad lately, and I just can't take it. I can't fucking take the depression surrounding me. He needs adult help, but he won't tell anyone. I feel so damn helpless. 

I feel invisible, and hurt. I feel worthless, like nothing fucking matters anymore. It probably doesn't. Everyone I thought I fucking knew, i'm starting to feel like I don't. I don't love anyone. I hate everyone. The amount of hate I feel is unnatural. I won't unblock Max, I won't do it. I fucking hurt. The shit he said to me is not ok. The shit I told him to say to me is not ok. I don't want people to say what they do to me anymore. I'm fucking sick of it. I know i'm not fucking good enough, but I don't want to hear it anymore. 

Your words circle in my mind, find all the weak spots and latching on. They don't see me? Oh its probably because they don't want to. He's rude? Its probably because you deserve it. 

People can tell me i'm beautiful all they want now. They can tell me I'm perfect, or I have no flaws, but I wouldn't believe them. The shit people have said or done to me plays in my head like a broken record and I just want it to stop, so fucking bad. For once, I let myself cry. 

Why am I so fucking scared? Why am I so fucking scared of everything? Why won't this shit end? Why is it that when I try to think of myself in a positive way, all the demons come out to play? Why can't I fucking feel good about myself for just once? Please. I want to get on my knees and fucking beg. Fucking stop. Leave me the fuck alone. But it won't stop. No it won't. No matter what I do. The hate is there. Always talking me down. I want to relapse. But I won't. I won't fucking do it. I don't want to.

I feel like nothing I do matters. I'm so fucking hurt. Its so damn clear. I see it. Lets see...oh look a nice guy --like Max, he was nice until he wasn't-- let me board myself up. He won't like me. I'm nothing but shit. I don't have the clothes everyone else wears. I don't have a smile. I have pimple scars and a big nose. I wear glasses. I'm chubby. He won't like me. My personality is shit. I'm a fucking emo. What could anyone possibly like?

I'm so goddamn lonely. I've done an excellent job of pushing everyone away, now haven't I? I'm amazing at that. 

Do you know what a silent sob is? I'm sure as hell doing that right now. 

I get to see my grandparents for 3 weeks this summer, and all I can think about is whether or not they will fucking accept me. Because i've fucking gained weight since the last time, and they told me I should really loose some. I fucking love them to death. But I hate when they are disappointed in me. My grandma is going to be so disappointed I got a fucking 53% on Spanish final when I tried so hard, and even I was upset about it.

Life is so damn hard. I never asked for this. I have stress hives again. 

I feel so worthless. I'm feeling worthless... I don't deserve this.. 

I miss all those people who made my life feel so great. I could block out the world with them. I miss seeing those people who actually gave a fuck. Seems like no one truly gives a shit anymore. Where have the decent people gone? Away. Far away. Come back. Please...

I miss you. I miss my innocence. Sometimes I wish I could take away my memories, just flat out forget them. Experience a memory loss of some sort. Just so I could forget. 

I'm trying to change. I promise. I'm trying so damn hard. I always try so damn hard, how come no one fucking sees that?

Basically me^

I'm so scared these days. Not of the dark. That's the problem. I should be, but i'm not. I'm only scared of what its in it. 

I want to take a shower or something now. To calm. To feel warm, for once. I feel so cold. Like no matter the temperature or number of blankets I have, its not enough. 

I don't love myself. I hate myself. I close my eyes and all I can see are things I don't want to see. Bad images. I don't want to see. I don't want to be me.

Well...I want to go now, just to think and maybe shower. Sorry for wasting your time. I want to love you.

~Calli