My Hell

February 14, 2018 (Wednesday)

Some people think everyone fishes for compliments when they say that they are ugly or something. I don't I actually don't value myself at all. I saw this a lot today in my culinary class. We were asked to write 3 things about ourselves that we liked and one thing we were going to do today for ourselves for a participation grade. I couldn't think of anything...I almost started crying. Like...I almost ran out of the room or asked the teacher if I could skip doing the assignment. I didn't. I just put down random things because I wasn't about to explain to the teacher why I couldn't complete the assignment.  

I just want to feel good about myself. But its impossible when all the people in the world talk down about you. When your own family does. I want someone to understand. 

For the email I wrote to my mom, she wielded it like a weapon against me. She flicked it at me like there was something wrong with me. She showed it to everyone at my IEP meeting. 

I truly hate myself. I don't see anything good in me. I want to see something good in me, but every time I open my eyes, mind and heart, my brain is filled with all self hate. 

"You're too ugly."

"You're too fat."

"Your boyfriend is just using you." 

"You don't deserve happiness."
"You're dumb af." 

Those are some of the things I opened my mind to today when I fished for things I liked about myself. Wanna hear a secret? Not everyone fishes for compliments. Some people have real self hate. 

You know, for the first time ever, I told my mom about my online relationship. I told her about it on Monday. I was so surprised when she didn't flip out. She was actually more accepting then I thought she would be. She said she just wants me to be happy, but she has yet to tell my dad. My dad will slice me in half. 

Its kinda a super big freaking deal that I told my mom about him. I don't tell my mom about any of my relationships, especially not the online ones. This was a huge leap for me, a leap of faith. I landed on the feet with my mom. There's more to it but I don't feel like getting into it right now.

Martin got his phone and laptop taken away yesterday. His grades dropped. So he can't talk to me. I just have to wait it out...

Tom. Remember Tom? I forgot if I told you he has terminal heart failure. Right now he is living out in his car cause his apartment makes him depressed. 

Well...I really should study for my history midterm tomorrow but I don't want to...anyways bye.

~Calli 

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P.S.

Happy Valentines Day to the lucky ones.~