My Hell

September 1st, 2018 (Saturday)

I found out why Sam stopped talking to me, and now he is gone forever.

I don't remember what I had told you guys about Sam. So I will go ahead and go through who Sam is. Sam is this guy I fell deeply in love with last November. November 11th. I even had a nickname for him. We got very close very fast. We played roblox together and shared some great experiences even through a screen. There was the first thing that I think can safely say was the first big thing. There was this car in a roblox game that was glitching really badly, and for some reason, that was hilarious to us. We laughed for several hours straight. Another time, he was in the car next to his grandma, and he picked up the phone and I mocked hentai moans and he freaked out. Omg. It was so funny. (Yes, I can mock hentai moans perfectly.) I had the such a strong connection with him. 

But last April, he stopped talking to me. Before that he had been giving me the cold shoulder. I had always wondered why. So on August 11th, I asked why. He said its because I had done something unforgivable. I kept trying to figure out what it was, I racked my brain, he knew I never remember anything, it was like torture. I had been trying to figure it out since then. Yesterday, he told me why and because I couldn't remember it, he would never forgive me. Then he blocked me.

What was it? That's a very simple answer. Its because something someone else did, that he blames on me. Something his best friend did. He told me it was because his best friend asked if he could fuck me. I had no knowledge of any of that, so how could I possibly remember that? Its not funny to me. I really loved Sam, and now he is gone forever. Nothing I can do about it. 

Recently, Sam's best friend and I had gotten closer and I'd been confiding in him. His best friend had promised me never to share our conversations around. I never did for him. Never. I was loyal to that. Sam's best friend is Y. 

I was in a call with Y when Sam told me. I told Y, I was shaking, I was angry and upset. And then Sam texted me who it was and who told him what. I just whispered to Y, "I think I need to go." and left. 

Then I messaged him, "I'm sorry, but please don't talk to me again for a long time. Please. Because its fucked. Over forever. And its not my fault. And now hes blocked me. So please. Just stay away. For a long time." 

How is it my fault what Y said? I have these deep feelings for Sam, but he's never coming back. Ever. And that's that.

I feel like I have hit rock bottom, and I'm so alone now. 

I think I need to change. I just need to. I need to be stronger. I feel like I've hit rock bottom, I even relapsed. But there's something good about hitting rock bottom, there is only one way to go, and that's up. 

I don't know if I will forgive Y. I will have to think on that. Y even had a girl friend at the time...I told him no. I did. I really wanted to be with Sam, now I will never get a chance. I really want to know what Y said to Sam after fact, I think I will send this link to him without context after I am done today. I hope Y tells me what happened, if he said anything, or if he will say anything. 

The weird thing is, I don't feel hate towards him, I don't think so, but I also feel numb. Hella numb. 

I got invisalign in the mail yesterday, I put them on today, it feels weird, I feel like throwing up when I am wearing them. 

School starts on thursday, i'm dreading it more than ever, but I can do this. I can rock it. I'm going to be a junior, I can do this. Only 2 more years. 

Tom has been drifting away, but I think he will come back. I have to believe. But even if I'm alone, I will find a way to make it work, I always have. 

I'm stronger than I let myself believe sometimes. And hey, I'm beautiful af. And I've got a great personality. And a nice style. I think I will try to say that everyday, maybe I can boost my confidence a bit. And guess what, I've lost 5 pounds. I can't wait til i'm much thinner. But hey, I gotta love myself no matter how I look. 

Why try to be anyone but myself? Just be yourself, everyone else is taken. I remember when I used to be bad ass. I was scared of nothing, I was beautiful and I didn't give a fuck about anything. I want to go back to that. I was sexy af. Badass me is sexy af. 

I used to tell people there are 2 sides of me. They are not split personalities, this is just how it is. 1 side of me is sweet and cuddly and cares too much. The other side of me is badass and gives 0 fucks. I used to be the badass most of the time, but for months, i've been the soft side. I need to kick that side away. Time for my bad ass self to come back.

I used to break hearts, I used to lead people on with that side. It was flirty and all the shit. I want that back. I'm going to bring it back. 

I'm going to rule that prison they call high school in my own way. I'm going to be me. And maybe, that will attract someone, maybe it won't. Who knows.

If i'm a lone wolf, so what?~ I will get my confidence back. 

I want to be the best me I can be. I hope my friends will help me achieve that. 

Anyways...yea..I'mma go now. Hope this works out for me. I'll update again soon, I hope. 

~Calli <3

Fuck it. <3