My Hell

Feburary 9th, 2020 (Sunday)

Do you feel good hurting me? I thought I was your friend. But all of you, you choose to drag me further through the dirt while knowing how I feel.
Dear Coworker,

Do not fucking yell at me. I get enough of that from my fucking father. I don't need you to threaten me or growl at me. You are rude to me. We were friends first and now we are not friends at all after last night. I did not deserve that. I do not deserve what you do everytime we work together. I cannot take your shit. I will not take your shit. You know what I go through. Why do you choose to stab me over and over everytime I try to help you?

Dear "friend",

You saw my discord status. You knew what was up. You asked about it. I told you. Then you told me you hung out with Taco which is one of the topics I specificly told you is not allowed with me. You know this. I don't care what you do with him or otherwise just don't ask me about it. "I hung out with Taco, how does that make you feel?" Like you have no respect for my wishes or well being. Don't fucking tell me about your encounters. You literally make fun of me everytime I see you. Are you more friend or more foe? Am I just that dumb I don't see it?

Why does everyone who ever hurt me get away with it?

What the fuck is wrong with people. Im tired of all your bullshit. Im tired of asking for help and none comes. Im tired of hearing about Taco and Nikki.

I love Nikki but I don't know whats happening there and im back at square one. I can't see her right now. Im not in a good place. Not even a decent one.

I don't like you. I don't like you. I don't like you. Fuck you.

I wish for no more drama.

I just want to be okay. Honestly fuck everyone else now. I need to be selfish. I need to toughen up. I can't deal with anymore bullshit.

I can't fucking breathe anymore. Fuck you.

You don't think I have unhealthy habbits? I know for a fact that if Taco came back and asked for help, I'd fucking help him. Because yes, I miss him. More than I'd like to fucking admit. But hes poison to me. Not only did he hurt me once, but he continues to hurt me while hes gone.

I don't want to hear about Taco. I don't care what type of "disability" you have. You know me well enough to know, even with me telling you, not to bring him up.

Further more. Every man in my life needs to stop telling me to shut up or how im not good enough. Stop it. And stop yelling at me. The fuck with all of you.

Im not your fucking punching bag. I will never be your fucking punching bag.

I need to get out of here.

Fucking hell I miss them both. The difference is, im not mad at Nikki. No. I still love her. And I don't want her to leave me. I think she will. When I think of happiness I remember how it felt to spend time with Nikki. I don't know if she loves me anymore. I don't.

I really need someone you know. Someone I can text when shit gets rough. I don't have that. Not anymore.  I need someone to hold me and tell me it will be okay and fucking mean it.

I forgot if I mentioned my math quiz. I got a 63% on it after I helped other students, aced the review game, went for extra help, etc. I still fucking failed. That makes me feel like a fucking failure.

Hes in my fucking english class. I know he talks shit about me. I know he tried to hurt one of my friends. I know hes the same person he was. He can say he changed all he wants, but he has not. And even when I push him so far out of my mind, I still want to help him.

His friend is unfriendly with me. I don't know her, have never met her but she gives me the stink eye.

I don't have many friends left. Oh well.

I should sleep. Goodnight.