My Hell

June 16, 2018 (Saturday)

Hey. Its me. 

You know what i'm doing today? Nothing. Just laying on my back and staring up through my skylight. Normal shit to do I guess. I promised someone I would blog before the 20th in exchange for him to talk in a Voice call. I also said I'd probably do it this weekend, so here we go. 

I feel like a zombie. I don't want to do anything. I just want to sit in my bed and stare at the sky listening to my music. I feel like crying and I don't know why. Why can't shit just be normal? But nope. 

Earlier today, my sister had a tantrum, and it was like Deja vu to me. I was so happy this morning, up til that. She was so mad. She was mad that since my older sister and her share a room, and my older sister's therapist was here, she couldn't play her music so loud. Plus my older sister's bf of 3 months didn't like it either. So my younger sister who is 14, by the way, ran down stairs screaming and crying. She throw some shit off the counter, it was loud. Then she yelled, "I hope I die. I want to kill myself. I'm going to kill myself." Then she kept screaming and crying. And I was just sitting there. Again. Not doing anything. Just listening. I did that when I was a kid. Just listened to the shit that happened. Unable to do shit. But what really hit me was what she yelled. When all three of us were young, they went in and out of mental hospitals for threatening to kill other people, and trying to. 

But it hit me because I went through that shit. I wanted to do that. Sometimes I yelled that. That's why I went. What I went through with that shit...no one should ever have to go through. And I sure as hell don't want her to go through it, even if I do hate her. 

I'm tired of hearing how much people want to die or kill themselves. Stop it. Shut the fuck up. That may be insensitive or some shit, but really, shut up. I want to die to, but its not like I use that as my excuse for everything. 

I thought I was the bad apple of my family, but lately, my little sister is turning into something. She's depressed, gives me the finger, yells curse words, wears make-up --- Hell I don't even wear make-up! --- and is suicidal. Goddamn it. Everyone is so damn suicidal. 

I'm trying to get better, i'm trying to be happy, so please shut the fuck up. Don't you have something else to talk about? 

My mom is fucking down there. Has such a bad depression, and I can see why. 

But I'm fucking tired of people reminding me of their depression or telling me in detail of how they want to kill themselves. Or worse yet, people who ask me to kill them. Shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear it. Just shut up. Close your goddamn mouth. Please. 

I don't want to fucking hear it. Insensitive as it may be, just please, don't talk to me about it. Talk to someone else about it. My life has been to affected by that. Please. 

Anyways..i'm going to go for now. Too upset. And I want to think. Here you go, kept my promise. 

-Calli 

P.S. Still angry and numb. 👌

🖕Fuck off. 🖕