My Hell

January 7th, 2018 (Sunday)

Good song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQk9Wc20y1c 

I hate snow. With a passion. Its cold and wet. I also hate my new boyfriend's ex with a passion. She's rude, likes to get on my nerves. She hurt my bf, but my boyfriend doesn't like loosing people. I love my boyfriend. We got together on Thursday at 8:31pm. I love him with all my heart. He's amazing and pure and down to earth. I love him for all the reasons I said in the last blog. I love how brave he is. I love how much he cares. Hell, he's so fucking perfect and such a door. Let me explain the door thing: 
Him: You're adorable.

Me: No I'm not. You are.

Him: No you are adorable. 
Me: No, I'm not a door.

Him: Yes you are. Wait-- 

So that's where door came from. 

I keep remembering to myself, something, something I realized right after winter break. My 2nd cousins had originally said we were all going to have dinner on the Friday before break ended. That would of been the first time I had seen them in a year. But something happened, i'm not sure what. Whatever the reason, we didn't see them. That's bugging me. Why didn't I get to see my family? I just wanted to see them. I was the one who originally tried to make plans. I know my parents don't hate my 2nd cousins and their parents, so why was that cancelled? Why can't I see them.  They are family. Why must I never see any of my family. I want to see that far extended family again. I have so many cousins. 

I remember as a kid we'd go to my great aunt and great uncle's mansion with its heated floors, 4 walled mirrored bathroom, white as snow living room, large kitchen, I remember we used to spend holidays there. We used to all laugh. I remember our Christmases, sneaking cookies away and running around. We would sneak into the basement and wack each other with wrapping paper rolls. "Wrapping paper wars." 

And Easters...omg...Easters...our Easter egg hunts, I remember that we used to  wait to find all the eggs and I would run with my little pink, purple, and yellow basket screaming and yelling. I knew the bunny wasn't real but I would go along with it anyways for the excitement. We would dye eggs. 

Our thanksgivings, with the large turkey, and all the food. It smelled amazing and tasted just as good. We would run around, playing tag. 

At all the family gatherings, there would be at least 40 of us, it was my dad's cousins which makes them my cousins. I have a big family. But I never see any of them. Its so frustrating. I wonder why and ask questions. All I get in return is yelling, angry faces, and "you wouldn't understand"'s. Why is this so cruel? 

My oldest 3rd cousin, last time I saw him, he was working part time for my aunt, at her dog grooming shop. He sprayed me with water as he was cleaning a dog. I also got to help there, and I got payed. He told me he was trying to get a job as a teacher for black students or students of Hispanic races in a place that isn't so rich and as so plentiful. He remembered me but I didn't remember him. I swear, he looked at me and immediately knew who I was, but I couldn't remember him. To me, that's so sad. He said its probably cause last time I saw him I was either 5,6, or 7. That's insane. Why do I have to be separate from my family that I don't even recognize them when I see them again? He's in his 20s now. I can't believe this...I miss so much. 

I have two second cousins. One is older then me, one is younger. They have Diabetes. You know what I also realized? I didn't receive a Christmas present from them this year, not even a card. Am I losing them too? Where is all my family going? We usually receive a bunch of photos with "Merry Christmas" written next to them. I didn't get that. I didn't get to see how my second cousins looked this past year, 2017. I miss my family. 

I don't think its good for me not to be able to see any of my family. Family is family. I want mine back. Back into my life. 

My phone stopped working. I was using it to bring my family back together. Its dead. It won't charge. I used it to text my cousins and my aunt. Not my second cousins cause I don't have their numbers...but like... Still family. My mom's brother's wife and children.