My Hell

August 25, 2018 (Saturday)

This is going to have to be semi-short because my wifi goes off soon.

I know its been awhile. Here's the thing, sometimes I write things but don't publish them due to lack of things I have written. So..do you guys want me to still post that stuff or naw? Of course it would be out of order from the rest but like..yea. 

So...I want to talk about so many things. But I have so little time. 

Big Topic: I really want a relationship, so badly. Let me describe this. I'm so damn lonely. But I want a relationship with someone I haven't known for a long time, and I suck at talking to new people. But I don't want any random type of relationship, I want one where I like someone, I want to feel the love. I want to be in love again. I haven't been in love since Martin. I miss that feeling. 

I want to be in love. I want to feel the love. I want it so badly. I want to be happy. I want an in real life relationship. Not one online. Not really. Not anymore. I want something fresh and new. 

I want to succeed at talking to people. 

Something that really sucks...? Oh, I don't have classes with any of my friends this year besides one, and we aren't very close. I'm going to be so lonely and depression is going to hit me even more like a train. 

I feel like most of my friends will forget about me, or they will leave me. I hate being alone. I hate it. I feel like i'm lost. I need someone. Anyone. 

Also, this blog is apparently #65 in the lonely category, didn't even know that was a thing, but that doesn't really discourage me. 

I just feel so alone right now, it hurts. I feel like i'm suffering and I am a bomb ticking, I could explode. I feel like i'm holding in a storm. A storm of pain. And everyday I am fighting. I'm fighting this thing that could put me in an even worse place. That's depression for you. 

Also, I've been updating My Forest, you all should check it out. Yeaa for self-promotion. 

I've been drawing a lot more lately. I guess that's cool. 

I feel like every time I talk to someone new, I fuck it up and make a fool of myself. This school year is going to be torture. Going to be a junior, yea?? 

I miss all of you so much. 

Someone message me if you want. 

I feel like i'm getting desperate and I hate it. I need help. 

I think I need to cry it all out. 

Also, I put myself on a diet. I wonder what I will look like thinner. 

I want my confidence back. I want my happiness back.

Also, thank you to earants for the follow, I thought I might've known who you were, but I was wrong, but hey, thanks for the follow. <3

I'm getting more and more sensitive, I want to be saved, but the only way to be saved is to save yourself, I know that sounds stupid, but its true. 

Anyways, I should go before the wifi goes, I love you guys. Thanks for reading, i'll try to post more soon.

~Calli <3