melted

johanna means graceful

at least when you said that three years ago it could've been just slightly true, even with lanky legs dangling into the hallway, freshly-shaved.

you three years ago was her now, if you wore shirts exposing your midriff and abandoned the cardigans your parents sent you out with. you five years ago could be me now if i were paler and prettier, but that was never my intention.

tea stains and bleached blonde replace the tied bandanas and ukuleles of times past, all of which i have witnessed from a distance, looking upwards.

could it be perhaps that you've grown? for i have grown unexpectedly, without my consent, so you must have grown not only in height but in stature, composition.

you at nineteen now, with blown-out hair and blown-out candles, is nowhere in my sights, on a train to see that boy you so lovingly stabbed at with a slice of bread just weeks before, who just smiled back.

graceful is your name painted on the refrigerator magnet alongside rows of rhubarb ready for crisping, alongside columns of mason jars brimming with jam, waiting for your return.

you are not graceful, but you are better.