melted

why i've been gone. part three.

i've been happy.
i remember what happy is like. beyond smiling, beyond laughing. the kind of happy that you just know is just there. i felt it in you, i felt it in here. in here, in my heart, i did.
i'm different. happy's changed a bunch these days. i've realized that i am more than what i mean to others. i've realized i am only in control of myself, and nobody else. i've realized  that i don't know who reads my work unless they vote or comment. i've realized that even if nobody does, it doesn't mean it's not worthwhile.
i remember us. the way we were. unhappy. were you happy, in those moments? the ones when you told me you couldn't go on? you went on nonetheless. i was there for you when i could not be there for myself. i was your health when i was in sickness. i was married to an invisible profession with no pay. have you lived? have you been alive since i left? i wonder that not from jealousy but instead from worry. i was dying in your arms from the needles i knew would sting, i pushed the plunger down without realizing that medicine works in different ways. diagnose, prescribe. i skinned my knees and forgot the sting of the poison in favor of a lesser evil, but it persisted and brought me to my knees. the bees scattered, and you with them. it was my fault to begin with. i shouldn't have assumed you were a mind reader. after all, who was i? i was a false prophet, favoring sweets over cold, hard truth. i want to believe i made you happy, but would it fix me? i want to believe i was worth something, but would my dues be paid? i want to believe you loved me, but would that make me love myself?
i want to be happy so badly that it feels like i'm tearing myself apart. i want you to be happy so badly that it feels like the burn of ripping myself into pieces is nothing more than a scraped knee, because if a piece of me can meld to you, can mend you, i will be happy. that's what i thought, that's what i think. i'm starting to realize that i'm tearing you apart instead. what gave me the right to put you in charge of my happiness? what gave me the idea that if i bled in your arms, you would smile? what made me believe that all i was worth was scrap metal? my blood tasted like iron as it ran through my head, but my brain wasn't thinking. i wasn't breathing on my own.
i had to be my own life support.
that's why i left. i needed to bear the weight of my bones, break the bonds that chained me to what felt like an inevitable demise. i condemned myself to you when you were supposed to be my respite. i saw you as a nightmare when i approached you in my dreams. the true nightmare was me, falling apart. the true victim was you, being judged with no jury, being convicted of manslaughter with zero cause.
i was never not happy because i didn't understand what happy meant.
i'm trying now.

i love you so much.