melted

i don't deserve a chance to be problematic (deleting in five)

having one of those days where it feels like crying is idiotic but the idiot wails to an empty room anyways. like, comment, share. feel my pain and move on with your day. having one of those moments where it feels like the entire universe wants me to fail. the college emails come flooding in and all i can see are the failing grades and the incompletes, wasn't i done with this? winter comes around again and my entire life just falls apart. i fall down, sick, dying, but i push people up through the power of my death rattle. the laughter stabs me in the throat and i suffocate on textbooks and test booklets and videos of talented people doing amazing things. i see the man who collapses on our couch day after day. he lost his job, he loses all his money to child support, he is losing his will to live, and if it means that i get 80s in exchange for helping him get his ged, will i do it? it hurts to realize that the choice is difficult. they say junior year is when it counts, but i have given up on caring. i have given up on being the top student. my classes feel like chores now. the pressure of straight as has taken a crescent wrench and broken the collarbones of one of my truest loves: learning. i wait for college, but if i don't do well now, how will i ever get in? i cry whenever i am alone. i want to run myself over with a bus so that people will physically see the toll this has taken. i attempted to break my own wrist in order to get out of a stressful exam. i am consumed by the gluttonous pig that is the education system and it has reduced me to nothing but bone. people ask me how i do so much, how i am so dedicated. the truth? i'm a liar.

can't wait to post this for the views. (another one bites the dust)