Eh Yung Hindi Naman Tayo? DATI (COMPLETED)

The Blizzard

November 26, 2017:

"Meng, ano ba? Hindi ka ba talaga lalabas o kakain man lang?" Coleen said but I didn't answer and kept my back against her as I lay on my side on the bed. "O kibuin mo man lang ako." She sighed. "Menggay, please naman. Nag-aalala na ako talaga sa'yo. Madalang tong mangyari, samantalahin mo na."

Why? Why would anyone care about me? I don't deserve it. I hurt so many people because I was careless and gullible. I hurt you. I hurt my family, her included.

"Sige. Kung ayaw mo akong kausapin o kung ayaw mong lumabas, okay lang. Basta tandaan mo, nandito lang ako, kami... Kahit laitin mo lang ako at pag-tripan buong araw, okay lang basta balikan mo kami, Meng ha?" She said and I thought I heard her sob before she left me in my lonesome.

Sob? Si Coleen? Yeah, right.

I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. My body was exhausted but my heart was restless and sleep was hopeless. I sat up and took my phone from my purse. I left it there and kept it in silent mode for hours, since this morning... since I left you.

48 missed calls and 104 text messages... all from you.

My already shattered heart throbbed with pain as I imagined how you could have reacted to the letter I left for you, when you realized what I meant, each time I didn't answer your call or replied to your message.

It has been 14 hours since I left you at the break of dawn while you slept peacefully beside me. You looked so handsome and happy and calm, smiling in the dream that you might be having, then I realized at that moment that was how you should always be. Satisfied. Content. Free.

Free from worries. Free from expectations. Free from unnecessary criticisms. Free from me.

Slowly, quietly, carefully, I slipped away from your embrace with my heavy heart torn into a million pieces.

I chose to leave while you were happy. I chose to leave while your heart was whole and at peace. I chose to leave while the world was on your hand and all you have to do was take everything it offers with both hands without having to worry about holding mine.

I was setting you free, RJ. You don't have to take care of me now.

I knew you would be brave. You would be strong. You would smile and show the world that everything is going to be alright because you are you, RJ, a man of exceptional faith and chivalry and resilience. Nothing and no one can break you, not this, not me. If anyone could triumph after all these, you will.

"Meng?"

I almost jumped at the sound of your voice on the other side of the door. I did not speak. I closed my eyes and hope you would go away if stayed silent.

"Papasok na ako. Wala kang choice. May susi ako, bigay ni Tatay."

Before I could call out a protest, the knob turned and you appeared by the doorway.

I turned to the door and met your gaze, broken but determined. "Love..." You whispered and before I could hold them back, my tears started falling.

You closed the door and rushed to my bed, immediately taking me into your arms and holding me tight. I couldn't say a single word. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I just kept crying.

"Y-you shouldn't be here." I told you after a while.

"Bakit hindi?"

"I left you. I hurt you."

"I don't care. Mahal kita. Hahabulin kita. Andito na ako."

I sighed and pulled away from your embrace. I held your hand and looked into your eyes.

"I'm the last person you should be seeing, the last person you should be nice to, the last one you should care about." I shook my head and looked down. "You shouldn't be here. I left because I don't have the heart to send you away. I can't be with you right now."

You gently touched my cheek and lifted my chin with your thumb so that our eyes could meet again. "Bakit? Hindi mo na ba ako mahal?" You asked as your voice cracked.

"Mahal..." I paused and took a deep breath. "Mahal na mahal but I'm the last person you need in your life right now."

"You are the only person I need." You sobbed and tears trickled down your cheeks. "Ikaw lang. Ikaw lang ang kailangan ko kahit mawala na ang lahat basta andito ka lang. Please, Meng. I love you so much."

"And that is exactly why I'm letting you go. I don't deserve this from you. Maraming nagmamahal at umaasa sa'yo. I can't take you away from them. That's not fair, to them or to you. You have so much more you could have in your life without me complicating things for you." I said as I let go of your hand but you held on tighter.

"Ikaw nga lang. You're all I need in my life. You ARE my life." You told me and pulled me back into your arms but I pushed you away.

"RJ, please, wag mo na akong pahirapan." I pleaded. "Mas nasasaktan ako sa ginagawa mo. Irespeto mo naman yung gusto ko."

At that you stared at me, hurt and quiet, so quiet that I could almost hear our hearts breaking. "Ito ba talaga ang gusto mo? Ang lumayo? Ang iwan ako? Gusto mong mawala ako sa buhay mo?"

"No." I sighed. "I just want things to be less complicated between us. Go back to the start. Be just friends again. I can't not have you in my life but I don't want to keep holding you back."

You sighed and touched our foreheads together. "I can't not have you in my life either. I won't have one if I don't have you."

You then closed your eyes, took a slow deep breath and rubbed your temples like you would when you were trying to hold back your emotions or carefully considering things. "But I can never be just friends with you, Maine. From the start, it was never just that. It has always been romantic, from your first dubsmash video that I saw weeks before July 16, something inside told me you could be the one." You paused and looked up. "Pero kung ito ang gusto mo. I will respect that. I will give you space to breathe but know this isn't over. Not for me. It will never be over between us because what we have... this is meant to last for a million lifetimes. Alam kong magulo ngayon pero gaya nang dati pag naayos na itong lahat, we'll come out stronger... together."

"RJ..." I started but I couldn't get myself to contest. You were right. I knew in my heart that you were right.

"Pagbibigyan kita pero lalaban ako. Ipaglalaban kita. Ipaglalaban ko tayo." You said as you held my hands firmly.

"Y-you have to go. May event ka pa sa Subic." I answered weakly in an effort to sound indifferent but failing miserably so I looked away.

You sighed and nodded your head. You kissed each of my hands. "Babalik ako. Babalikan kita." You said but I did not answer. I feared if I said a single word, I would hold you back. Again.

I felt your heavy stare on me for a while before you finally stood up, pressed a lingering kiss on my forehead and left.

As soon as you closed the door behind you, I let them all go, the pain, the regrets, the silent pleas for you to come back and forget everything I said. I cried and cried until I couldn't anymore. Weak and exhausted, I curled up on my bed and fell asleep.

Hours later, I posted the letter to reveal all these feelings I kept inside, knowing all the consequences it will bring and somewhat relieved that whatever shit I get from it, you wouldn't be a part of it anymore.

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Unbeta'ed and not proofread. Thank you for reading.