To Believe Again

☆40: Orion ☆

I wiped my tears for the nth time. Kahit ilang beses na akong umiyak, nakakatuwang isipin na meron pa ring luha na lumalabas sa mga mata ko.

My life is too fucked up. My eyes was bloodshot. I know that I looked a mess, but who the hell cares?

Nasasaktan ako. I'm in so much pain. Why the heck hide it?

Gusto kong murahin yung langit kase ang unfair! Kung kelan na akong nag-uumpisang sumaya saka ako biglang babawian. Ano bang ginawa ko sa nakaraan kong buhay at pinaparusahan ako ng ganito?

Hindi ako humiling ng kahit na ano. I was raised to be contented on what is serve on my plate.
Kaya bakit ako?! Bakit pakiramdam ko lahat ng source ng happiness ko unti-unting kinukuha sa'kin?!

I was on my verge of tears when I suddenly looked up the sky..

My heart stopped from beating.

That pattern.

I raised my hand to trace that on air.

Shit.

Yan yung sinasabi ni Red dati..

Yung Orion.

Alam kong ang gago pakinggan, but this is my last ace. My only hope.

Napakahipokrita ko dati na sinuway pa siya na bakit magwiwish sa constellation na yun, as if naman na naririnig kami ng mga bituin di ba?

I closed my eyes. Silently praying that Red would finally wake up, and that everything will be okay.

I was so damn hopeless. Na kahit kakornihan na gan'to papatulan ko makapiling lang ulit yung taong matagal ko ng pinapangarap na mahalin ako.

Pero sa tuwing ipipikit ko yung mga mata ko, naaalala ko yung sandaling sinalo niya yung bala na para sakin. His polo... the white turned into red... like his name...

It haunts me, every fcking second.

Realizing how crazy I might  look to other people who happened to walk pass by here, I bit my lower lip.

Then another memory shot across my mind.

Unang araw ng appearance.
Ano na bang petsa ngayon?

Tiningnan ko yung relo ko. Shit. Ngayon ko lang napansin na tumigil 'to sa paggalaw. 8:08 am. The fucking time where my quiet life changed into real piece of shit. Yung oras na nabaril siya...

Oh another great hole. It's February. Meaning hindi ngayon ang unang appearance nung orion.

Nanuyo yung lalamunan ko. But I tried so hard to compose myself. I needed my breathe to be even.
I did my part. It's a do or die.

Hindi ko alam kung may sariling isip yung  paa ko. I just found myself standing infront of my room.

I opened it and lay on my bed.
I closed my eyes, hoping this disaster will soon end.

Yes, life is surely unfair. It fucks up. But we can never be in pain forever. The pain would end. Hindi nga lang ngayon. But it will, soon. There is no constant thing in this world, I reminded myself.

***

Nagising ako nang maramdaman ko yung lamig ng hangin na nagmumula sa labas. Wala akong matandaan na nalimutan kong isara yung bintana. Alam ko dalwang araw na kaming nasa hospital, there is no way out on hell na maiiwan ko 'tong bukas...

Tumayo ako para isara 'yon. Imbis na matulog ulit, I reached for my phone. Pero sobrang malas ko lang talaga yata kase deadbatt. Hinanap ko yung charger ko sa drawer.