Intoxic Dose (Kaisoo)

Chapter 10 : Hate

My hand moved nervously around the steering wheel I felt awful .

I knew , I know I was an asshole the worst kind but I never cared until now .never had I felt guilty for shit I've done but this time I did .
And it was the worst kind .

I swallowed looking onto the passenger seat at the evidence of what I did .

When I opened my eyes the next morning . I blinked a few times before glancing down..
he was still sleeping in my arms looking completely exhausted And hungover.
his lips were still a little swollen .

My hand landed on his cheek and he shifted a little moving his head and pulling his knees further up .

That's when I spotted his bag on the ground .  Besides the car. I don't know what gave me the idea maybe i was just curious or maybe bored .

I moved on my own jumping off the car creating a noise as my shoes hit the ground but he didn't get much of it . He was out like a light .sleeping tight and probably sobering up , sleeping the alcohol away right now .

I ended up looking into his bag to see books and pencils until my eyes landed on something particular .
The breadbag .. I reached in further pulling the little plastic bag out . I found quite some money inside .

I counted ..

500 bugs .

He carried 500 bugs with him , pretty stupid yet confusing .. where does he get that much money to carry it around like this .  He must be rich or something .

Maybe that's just what I wanted him to be so it wouldn't feel as shitty as it did when I took all the money from him .
I kept telling myself that he's rich that It won't be bad for him if he's missing the 500 bugs. 

Over and over I repeated it when I pulled him off the car and carried him   away to place him in the grass . I let his head rest on the bag and laid my jacket over him before I rushed back to the car with his money driving away .

With his fucking money .
That now laid on the passenger seat as if it wanted to burn into me that I stole it like I did  . I wouldn't have cared if it was a stranger but the fact that what happened the night before it made him more than a stranger in my eyes .more than a friend even and it was driving me crazy .

He has brainwashed me changed me .every time I even thought of him .weird things mix with it . Something was wrong with me .because of him .

I've never felt this frustrated because of someone .

Maybe its just because he was such a freak that he stayed in my head and his sickness maybe all these feelings i had were only existand because of pity.

I hate him.

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,, see we got it going mocoso " chat snickerd, a cigarette between his lips as he counted the money in his hands with sye watching close , where dieg was i dont even know or cared anymore.,, and by tomorrow another 200 got it " 

I sighed ,, what do you need this shit for anyway i thought the 1000 were already enough now " i knew speaking against their actions was stupid since it never was of any use .. what chat said goes . What he said was true same for dieg or sye . They acted like gods whenever they talked to someone younger or lower leveld as them . So pretty much eveyone in their eyes . Sometimes i wonderd if they realy are convinced of themselfes being gods of fucking everything

,, we dont want any trouble or arguments now do we mocoso .. just come sit with us drink something and be a good boy .. " sye threw his arm around me and guided me towards their usual little fire barrel. It was always the same .. dont they get tired of always sitting on the same spot just drinking and smoking until they've lost all of their left braincells .

The thought made me chuckle a little and another guy ruffled my hair as i sat down 

,, wait how old is this guy ?" A girl suddenly speaks up and i glance at her when chat handed me a beer bottle ,, relax ,hes already 19"

She smirked eyeing me like the bitch she was and once i coldly glanced back at her she bit her darkbrown coloured full lips . They stuck out so well if you compared them with her pale skin colour.

When she turned her head and opened her jacket leaning back to give me a perfect view if her tight shirt . I knew i was going to have her later .

Maybe she could help me get my mind off from the tiny nerd.

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,, jongin ?" I looked up while getting my shoes off putting my key back into my bag . 

My mum walked out of the kitchen looking at me with nervous eyes .
,, i was having .. having some lasange ., do you want to eat with me ?" 

A sigh left me when i looked away from her a part of me hated to answer her so honestly but the other didnt even bother ,, mum, just give it up .. " i didnt have to explain to her what i meant by that ,she knew very well. Our relationship was simply not how it used to be , i accepted that and she should too instead of keep making this poor attemps of saving it ,she cant change what happened and i know it wasnt her fault but what happened happened and neither one of us is guilty for the way we feel now . 

I made my steps up the stairs to get to my room just thinking of how i will lay in my bed and listen to music telling myself and the world mentally to go fuck itself but her words made me stop for a moment.,, i cant  ... not until my sons stops hating me " only a few seconds past where i clenched my jaw not saying anything, not glancing at her once before i continued my path upstairs and into my room.

Dropping onto my bed i plugged my headphones in closing my eyes and rolling to lay on my side.

Even if i hated her i would have every right to .

A part of me wanted to hate her right now so i could only think of her and distract myself with the hate for her .. i could curse and blame her as long as i wanted too .. but i cant because the thoughts and images of kyungsoo were stronger . I saw him whenever i closed my eyes . 

I started imagening his smile and the sound of his giggle . I hated myself too much for suddenly carving him  ..
short said i realized that i missed him .

Hell i've seen him this morning and it makes everything even worse why on earth would i miss someone like him . Hes annoying so annoying how often do i have to tell myself that ?? .. i didnt want to admit or accept that i felt like this for him . The kiss the touch the conversations . I didnt want to admit to myself  that i enjoyed it .. i just didnt want to but i knew i did . 

My hands flew up to cover my eyes when i acually felt a few tears filling them . I havent cried in years i dont cry i'm not that kind of person even as a kid i never was loud to cry for something .. but he changes me completly he confuses me and breaks my reality .. and i couldnt even decide if i liked it or not . 

I do not want to think of him anymore . 

Getting up in anger i stomped towards the bathroom turning the showers on constandly trying to distract myself but nothing worked . I knew it wouldnt work a shower wont help me with something like this.. i guess i just needed an excuse to go to the bathroom and return to old habits . I blame him . I dont even care i just needed to convince myself for now to think straight  so i blamed him . 

I hate him .