Intoxic Dose (Kaisoo)

Chapter 40 : What I want & What I need

He said he wanted to go out .. he was sick and tired but he wanted to go out .

The wind was crashing into the car as I sadly looked over to him in the passenger seat , he had his hand reached out gently letting the wind stroke his palm and fingers. The tattoo of his evidently revealed , he had been staring and looking at it all day I guess the way how it's going to be scarred over again made him feel down .

We hadn't talked a word ,maybe he was suspecting that I had cheated that night or maybe he was just still depressed from his suicide attempt and the thought of being unwanted
All he told me was that he wanted to go out not a single smile was spent and it terrified me it made me feel awful .

Taking the bus we had arrived at my home and taken my car since where he wanted to go was nowhere reachable with the bus .
He said the fields way way outside of the city.

To be honest I wanted that too , having no one around except for him may help me open up aswell to hold him properly and to talk to him without behaving like a retard lost for words .I knew I would probably be anyway but what's wrong with hoping .

,, my brother always called me that" he suddenly spoke and I turned to him again as he stroke over the butterfly stitches . I had bandaged his other arm for safety but he wouldn't let me bandage the one with that tattoo .

,, a-and he paid for the tattoo too "
His tounge glided over his lips as he watched the passing high grass and fields.

,, why did you do it ?
I mean back then ?" I carefully asked attempting to get some more information .
I wanted to know everything about him and usually it shouldn't be so hard to figure a person out after some time but with kyungsoos case .it was .
He was having way too many things on his plate to be figuring it out easily

,, I ... you know jongin,
It's..  I-I don't remember most of it so  ... it's not that bad but i remember the words "  he started , avoiding every eyecontact as he wore a sad expression ,, I always told myself those were just words and that it wasn't bad to just be who I was ..
I mean at least then you would be feeling free right ?

But i didn't feel like that at all. I felt worse than ever it was worse than having to carry the feeling of being in a cage all the time around .. " a deep inhale followed and I could tell it wasn't an easy topic to talk about for him , yet there wasn't any easy topic to talk about for him right now and at least I could somehow relate to the words he's spoken.

,,When people tell you something for so long and you let it dig into you .. you might make the mistake of starting to agree with them " he turned back to the window taking a deep breath before finally resting his hand on his wrist.
,, I did that mistake.."

I sighed Staring onto the Field Way I'm currently driving along .
,, kyungsoo.. " what to say in this situation . I understood now what his mother meant, kyungsoos seemed to always have been bullied and I can't blame him for breaking down because of it in the past .
In fact I admired him to be the person he was now despite everything he was and still is going through .

The whole cage thing spoke to my heart tho, I know this feeling and I've been having it all the time .yet it had nothing to do with being gay or anything like that . It was just me
I was my own cage, I was making my own cage and I still couldnt escape.

I guess he noticed my hardening frown as I got lost in thoughts and his hand reached out for mine .
,, jongin I'm not saying you shouldn't be yourself 
Because acting like someone else won't make it any better ." I Knew that .. how can I tell him that my problem wasn't exactly me being myself , my problem was I didn't know who I was to be.