TRANSCRIPT
THE PEOPLE VS. MARIETTA WEISS
Prosecuting Attorney: Howard Blackwill, Esq.
Defense Attorney: Andrew Newberg, Esq.
Honorable Judge Francine M. Latin Presiding
THE COURT: Ladies and gentlemen, please be seated. I hope you all enjoyed your lunch break and stayed away from the cafeteria's infamous Tuna Surprise. The surprise being that it's really three-day-old Sea Bass.
(LAUGHTER)
THE COURT: We will be continuing with the cross-examination of Ms. Marietta Weiss. Ms. Weiss, I remind you that you are still under oath.
MS. WEISS: I understand, your Honor.
PROSECUTOR: Ms. Weiss, this is People's Exhibit No. 3. Do you recognize it?
MS. WEISS: Well, I sure as shortcake do. It's my AMC officially licensed signature edition Walking Dead sword with certificate of authenticity.
PROSECUTOR: Is this the weapon that you used to chop eight of your neighbors to bits?
DEFENSE: Objection, Your Honor! Inflammatory!
THE COURT: Overruled.
DEFENSE: Really? I thought I nailed that one.
THE COURT: Yes, really. The defendant may answer.
MS. WEISS: Did I use that sword to chop my neighbors to bits? You're blang-danged right I did! And I'd do it again in a lizard-leapin' second!
DEFENSE: Objection! I move that my client's answer be stricken from the record!
THE COURT: Because?
DEFENSE: It would really help.
THE COURT: Overruled.
PROSECUTOR: I'm a bit puzzled, Ms. Weiss. You proudly admit to carving up your neighbors, so why you are pleading not guilty?
MS. WEISS: Because they were flip-floppin' zombies, that's why!
PROSECUTOR: Now, Ms. Weiss, when you say that your neighbors were zombies — and please let the record show that I put sarcastic air quotes around the word "zombies" — what precisely do you mean by that?
MS. WEISS: Everyone knows what zombies are.
PROSECUTOR: I'm afraid I don't, Ms. Weiss.
MS. WEISS: Zombies. (HOLDS OUT ARMS) Rrrrrrr.
PROSECUTOR: So if someone holds out their arms and says, Grrrrrr they are zombies and you are entitled to kill them, Ms. Weiss?
MS. WEISS: Rrrrrrr.
PROSECUTOR: Excuse me?
MS. WEISS: You said, Grrrrr.
PROSECUTOR: Grrrrr. Rrrrr. What's the difference?
MS. WEISS: Dogs say, Grrrrr. Zombies say, Rrrrrrr.
PROSECUTOR: I see. And what do zombie dogs say?
(LAUGHTER)
DEFENSE: Objection! The prosecution is being a huge jerk-face!
YOU ARE READING
Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse
Humor"Sure, it was robots this time. But who's to say that it won't be zombies next time? And when the zombies do come, who's going to be ready for it? Me." - Marietta "I mean, like, say what you want about the robots, but at least they weren't gross!"...
