Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

Zombie Free Zone

Mirabel

Exit Interview

It is with a heavy heart that I tell you this very sad news: Mirabel — seemingly the only sane person left in the world — has been bitten by a zombie.

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What went wrong, Mirabel? Wait, let me guess: They never built the wall.

They did not. But we did hire some deaf translators in case Deaf Malala showed up.

Did she?

Surprisingly, she did not. Hearing Malala did not show up, either. Neither did Color Blind Malala, Slipped Disc Malala, Hangnail Malala, Somewhat Sleepy Malala....

I get it. No permutations of Malala showed up.

Correct.

So there was no wall, but did they do anything to fortify the town?

Yes. We put up signs saying that our town was a Zombie Free Zone.

But zombies can't read. And even if they could read, they probably wouldn't obey the signs.

I agree. And eventually we took the signs down.

Because they were pointless?

Because they were discriminatory.

But if you're going to keep zombies out you have to discriminate, by definition.

You must understand, these are broad-minded liberals. They do not want to offend the hideous creatures that want to kill us by posting pointless offensive signage that the zombies cannot possibly understand. Unless they bring down property values. Then it is time for torches and pitchforks.

OK, so let's talk about what happened to you. How did you get bitten?

I was in the park, watching Holly Anne when the zombies finally came to our town. There was a lot of panic. There was running and screaming and people shouting, "We made a terrible mistake! Somebody put the signs back up!"

Holly Anne tried to run away from the zombies, but she could not run fast because of her corset and six-inch candy apple stiletto pumps. And she could not run far because of all the e-cigarettes.

Her mother lets Holly Anne smoke e-cigarettes? She's five!

Quicki thinks they are healthy.

Why?

They are blueberry flavored.

Good God.

Anyway, I ran to Holly Anne and scooped her up in my arm. I could see that we were surrounded so I decided to climb the monkey bars.

Wow! You managed to scale the bars when your only arm was holding a child?

I said I decided to climb. I did not say I was successful. Luckily, Holly Anne managed to get to the top, but when I reached for the high bar, I fell.

Because you were tired?

Because I was using my phantom limb.

Oh. That's unfortunate.

Yes. I hit the ground and that is when I was bitten on my real arm.

Out of curiosity, what was Quicki doing while all this was happening?

Reverse cowgirl.

The show must go on, I guess.

Yes. But not for me.

How does that make you feel?

Listen, you know I have never felt sorry for myself. Not when I fled the violence in my home country. Not when my arm was torn off of my body. Not even during that agonizing month when Lila tried to learn Mongolian Throat Singing.

Was she bad at it?

It is difficult to say. When Mongolian Throat Singing is done wrong, it is horrible. But when it is done well, it is also horrible.

I guess there's a reason that Mongolian Throat Singing didn't sweep the world.

Yes. But I did not complain. Good things happen to terrible people. Bad things happen to wonderful people. You cannot expect justice in this world and there is no point in complaining about things you cannot control. Work hard, help people, be nice to animals, clean up after yourself. If you do that, you have done enough.

That's very touching. Very wise.

Thank you. But if I am being completely honest, I wish — and I know it is a foolish wish, a selfish wish — that I had more time.

To do what?

(Sighs) Get a foot massage. Soak in a tub. Learn to draw. Join a book club. Fall asleep in a hammock. Hike through the woods...

You want to do things for yourself.

It is silly. And anyway, it will not happen.

I wouldn't be so sure.

I do not understand.

We'll have to move fast, but there actually is a way for you to have more time.

There is? Why didn't you say that at the start!

I thought it would be more poignant this way. And you have to admit, I got some great stuff! That list of things you wanted to do? Dynamite!

If I had two hands I would strangle you with them!

It's all going to be fine. This isn't widely known, but it turns out that someone has proved to be immune from the zombie fungus, which has led to a cure.

That is incredible! We are all saved!

Not quite. The cure is only being offered to select people. And you are one of those people!

Me? Why would anyone care about me? I'm no one.

Because the person who controls the cure is, um, someone you know.

Who?

Lila.

(Laughs) You see why I say there is no justice?

The irony is not lost on me, I assure you. But in her mind she has treated you like family and she wants to do right by you.

Am I really supposed to believe she would do this out of the goodness of her heart?

Well, now that you mention it, the cure does come with a price.

Of course it does. What does she want? A pound of flesh? My eternal soul? My other arm?

Nothing like that. All she wants is... an apology.

She wants me to apologize to her?

Apparently.

For what?

She gave me a list. It's pretty long but... mostly about being ungrateful. And lazy. And Mexican. Which I know you're not but...

So if I don't want to be a zombie, I have to admit to all those things?

Yes. And Mirabel, I hate to rush you but you do not have a lot of time. What's it going to be? Apologize to Lila or spend eternity as a zombie.

(Long silence)

Mirabel?

I am thinking!