Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

A Potty In Every Port

Clem Boykins

Port-a-Potty Cleaner/Visionary/Presidential Candidate

Today, I am announcing my candidacy for President of the United States of America.

What made you decide to do this?

Jose Cuervo, I think.

You don't know?

Well, excuse the hell out of me, Mr. Remembers-what-he-drinks. It was definitely some kind of tequila, OK? Or I might have just fallen off a ladder. All I know is that I woke up face down in the driveway with a huge headache.

So why do you want to be president?

Well, I'm having trouble getting another port-a-potty cleaning job, what with my criminal record, so I thought, why not be President?

Is that the only reason?

Of course not. Four hundred thousand smackers a year! How sweet would that be? And you can get top shelf booze any time, day or night! Also, you get your own private bowling alley! Shoes in included!

Aren't you forgetting the most important reason?

You mean that I can blow people up whenever I want?

No. That you love America.

Ummmm... Sure. Why not?

Why do you think you're qualified to be president? After all, your last job was port-a-potty cleaner.

Yeah? So? Does that make you better than me?

Well, it doesn't not make me better than you.

Son, a port-a-potty cleaner is exactly what America needs right now! Someone who isn't afraid to get in there and clean out all the shit!

And that's what you'll do when you're president?

No. That's what I'll make other people do when I'm president. Have you ever cleaned a port-a-potty? It's disgusting!

I thought that the port-a-potty was just a metaphor.

You mean one of them space rocks?

No, that's a meteor. And metaphor is... Never mind. But just so we're clear, you are talking about actual port-a-potties with actual shit.

Yup. Gonna clean 'em all up. And if there's money in the budget, I'll get some of them air fresheners that look like trees. People will be proud to poop again.

Is that going to be your campaign slogan?

Maybe. I'm also toying with, "A Potty In Every Port and a Cat With Every Massage."

Well, that sounds presidential, I guess.

I thought so.

But let's turn to what I think everyone believes to be the most pressing issue facing this country.

If you're talking about legalizing prostitution, believe you me, son, I am way ahead of you!

How so?

I'm not just going to make prostitution legal, I'm going to make it mandatory!

What?

So here's what I'm thinking: It's kinda like the Peace Corp, only instead of helping worthless foreigners, women spend two years helping out men in need.