Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

Misogyny, Racism and Sexual Deviance

Nancy Spark, 51

President & CEO of Creative Spark/Campaign Manager

We've met Nancy before. She was the receptionist for Suresh, the marketing guru who coined the name Shirlé. Suresh was strangled to death by Banyan Bradford — he described Nancy as warm and welcoming with a smile that was "like a hot chocolate hug from Mom" — and Nancy picked up where her old boss and mentor left off, starting her own marketing company.

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What made you want to become involved in politics?

Running a political campaign was something that Suresh had always wanted to try. He was obsessed with the idea that the principles of marketing work in any setting. He believed that it didn't matter whether the product was cat food or a candidate for the the most powerful position on the planet, it's all the same thing. I was interested in seeing if that was true.

And was it?

Oh, yes! To a disturbing degree, honestly.

So you weren't supporting Clem because you were personally invested in him?

Good Lord, no! But Suresh also taught me — and this, honestly, I found very difficult — you should never let yourself become emotional about the product. That leads to bad decision making. Trust the data.

So what kind of "product" was Candidate Clem?

A challenging one. It was no secret that Clem could be problematic. He was a misogynist and a racist and a sexual deviant, but he also had some liabilities.

Misogyny, racism and sexual deviance aren't liabilities?

Not at all! To the contrary, they were the key to Clem's popularity.

But his beliefs were appalling!

Yes, and the majority of voters agreed with you.

I don't understand. If voters were so appalled, how did it help?

Research shows that, more than anything, voters yearn for authenticity. They're tired of formatted candidates always saying the right thing.

So you're saying they want a candidate who says the wrong thing?

In essence you are correct. Anyone can tell you what you want to hear, but Clem — to use a phrase that kept popping up in focus groups — "tells it like it is."

But it wasn't like it is.

They know that. And that's why they think he is authentic.

That seems bizarre to me.

I know! Aren't people fascinating?

I guess. So in what way was Clem problematic?

Well, two things, really. First, while authenticity is the coin of the realm, as it were, it turns out there is such a thing as being too authentic.

How so?

For instance, Clem would give interviews while peeing in the kitchen sink.

Why in the kitchen sink?

Because he was also be eating a meatball sub at the same time. And when he got passionate about a point he was making, he'd spray everywhere. It was like when you drop a garden hose and it just goes crazy.

That's... unpleasant.

He was also weirdly proud of his hemorrhoids. He'd drop his pants and show people. "Have you every seen one bleed that much? Damn straight, you haven't!"