Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

Ass-Movers

OK, people. This is huge! There is no way to overstate the magnitude of what just happened. Clem Boykins, national icon and presidential candidate, was just bitten by a zombie! And I was there in his final moments.

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Well, fuck a duck.

Pass. So how did it happen?

What's with the trick question?

That wasn't a trick question.

Son, when you drink as much as I do, everything is a trick question.

Fair enough. So tell me what you do recall.

I remember Wednesday 'cause that's when I buy my ticket for the Powerball.

Um... They haven't had the Powerball since the Robot Apocalypse.

Well, no wonder I never win.

Mystery solved. And what else do you remember?

I remember waking up in a petting zoo. Or maybe a regular zoo. Whichever one has the dinosaurs?

None of them, I assume.

It'll come to me.

So you were in a zoo ...?

And I feel teeth on the back of my neck. At first it felt pretty good. You know, like a hickey? Reminded me of Junior High. Then the teeth clamped down and tore some flesh right off me, which also reminded me of Junior High. Joyce Flower and her braces. It was like she was eating corn on the cob with metal teeth.

How do you feel about becoming a zombie?

Eh. I don't mind that. Just the timing was lousy.

How so?

Well, everything was going really good. I did great in the debates and I'm on TV a lot and I even got me a campaign manager.

What is his name?

It's a her.

Really?

Yeah. She's a pro.

Oh, Jesus. You bought a hooker as your campaign manager?

First of all, you don't buy hookers, son, you rent them.

Duly noted.

And this gal is a legit campaign manager.

Huh. But didn't you say you didn't want a campaign manager?

I don't know. Did I?

You did.

I'll take your word for it. But let me tell you this lady has something.

Talent? Experience?

Great ass-movers.

I'm sorry... what?

Ass-movers. Legs. Legs move your ass.

I didn't realize that was an expression.

It ain't. I'm trying to get it started.

Might be a little late now. OK, so you like her... ass-movers.

They're amazing. Especially for an older lady.

I didn't think you'd go for older women.

They're great. They know what they're doing, you can't get them pregnant, and you don't have to worry about a surprise visit from Aunt Flo.