Paula Pettigrew, 39
Flamethrower Rights Advocate
So tell us about your organization, Ms. Pettigrew.
It's called Freedom, which stands for Flamethrower Rights Eradicating Evil Dead Opposition.
Um, isn't that just Freedo?
No.
But there's no M.
There's an M. It's silent.
What's the silent M stand for?
It doesn't stand for anything.
Well, that's kind of lazy, don't you think? There have got to be a thousand M-words you could use. Menace. Mission. Malevolence. Mother—
Look, we just needed an M to round out the acronym. We're patriots, not poets.
I'll say.
If I may continue, Freedom is the largest flamethrower rights organization in the world. We boast a hundred thousand members.
That's impressive. Especially since three days ago, nobody even knew that they had a right to own flamethrowers.
Well, we do. I'll give you my flamethrower when you pry it out of my hot, dead hands.
But why do you think you even have a right to own them?
The Second Amendment, of course.
But that was really about guns, wasn't it?
Guns are firearms. Flamethrowers are even fierier arms. Nothing is more American than owning a flamethrower.
Since when?
October 28, 1886, of course.
I'm sorry. What's the significance of that date?
Well, as every patriot knows, that's when the Statue of Liberty was dedicated.
OK. But so what?
Have you ever seen the Statue of Liberty?
Yes, on a school trip when I was a kid. I was bored to tears.
That's so interesting, because when I saw it for the first time, my eyes also filled up with tears. Of course, they were tears of gratitude that I shed as I dropped to my knees and thanked Carbon-Based Jesus that I got to live in the greatest nation in the history of the world.
I mean... I was also moved, obviously. I even bought one of those foam crowns at the gift shop.
Uh-huh. So let me ask you: While you were yawning with disinterest at this majestic copper testament to our national values, did you happen to notice what it was that Lady Liberty was holding?
A book.
In her other hand, I mean.
A torch.
That's right. And what do you think that torch is supposed to be used for?
Burning the book?
Funny. But, first of all, it's not actually a book.
It's not?
No, it's a tablet inscribed with the date of the Declaration of Independence.
Lucas, is that true?
[LUCAS: It is.]
Well, what the hell, man? You're supposed to prep me for this! Now I look like a jerk!
YOU ARE READING
Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse
Humor"Sure, it was robots this time. But who's to say that it won't be zombies next time? And when the zombies do come, who's going to be ready for it? Me." - Marietta "I mean, like, say what you want about the robots, but at least they weren't gross!"...
