Leonard Russell
Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord
How is the war against the zombies going?
It depends.
On what?
If you are emotionally attached to New England.
Not especially. Although I do have a cousin in Connecticut.
Not any more, you don't.
Hairy Silicon Jesus! What happened?
There's a military saying, "Never fight zombies in the rain."
When did that become a saying?
Right after we fought the zombies in the rain.
You've got to be kidding!
No. The precipitation dramatically reduced the effectiveness of our flame-based weapons.
It didn't occur to you that it might rain?
Of course it occurred to me! But one of the many unintended consequences of going low tech is that it has diminished the accuracy of weather prediction. Instead of computer weather models we had to resort to less reliable methods, such as barometers and cats.
Cats?
Yes. It's a meteorological fact that cats clean behind their ears when it's going to rain.
That's absurd!
Our weather-witch begs to differ.
I... don't know what to do with that information.
It's not as strange as it sounds. There are some people who have heightened sensitivity to atmospheric—
Shush, shush, shush. Let's jut move on, shall we?
As you wish.
The bottom line is that, thanks to you, there are tens of thousands of new zombies running around.
Now you're being absurd.
Are you saying that it wasn't your fault?
No, I'm saying that zombies don't "run around." They shamble, they shuffle, sometimes they break out into a trot. Once in a great while you'll see jazz hands. But running? Never.
I stand corrected.
And for your information, we actually contained the situation.
You did?
You know. More or less.
How did you manage that?
I made the command decision to drop a nuclear bomb.
You did what?
Settle down. They were tactical nukes.
And that makes it OK?
We had to stop the zombies somehow and unlike flamethrowers, nukes work great in any kind of weather.
But— Wait a second! You started off saying you used a nuke, singular and then you changed it to nukes, plural.
Yes, ultimately, we used several other nukes. It turns out they're a little like potato chips. You can't eat just one.
Holy fuck!
YOU ARE READING
Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse
Humor"Sure, it was robots this time. But who's to say that it won't be zombies next time? And when the zombies do come, who's going to be ready for it? Me." - Marietta "I mean, like, say what you want about the robots, but at least they weren't gross!"...
