Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

Keep Calm And Rrrrrr!

Banyan Bradford

Zombie Rights Activist

The last time we visited Banyan's zombie refuge, there were maybe fifteen zombies. Now, there were hundreds, packed in like rush hour commuters on a Tokyo subway car. They seemed rather agitated. And when we saw Banyan, it was clear that he was not well.

Thanks for coming on such short notice.

We got here as fast as we could. You said it was urgent. What's up?

I won't beat around the bush. I got bit.

Well. There you go.

Um, you don't seem that surprised.

You literally surrounded yourself with zombies. So, no, not surprised at all.

I suppose you're right.

Which one of them got you? I bet it was Morris.

What makes you think it was Morris?

Because from everything I've seen, the universe is out to get you.

The universe is not out to get me! And yes, it was Morris.

I rest my case. Anyway, how long do you think you have left?

Not long. Five minutes? Ten minutes, maybe?

OK, so let's dive right in.

Well, everything was going great. The sanctuary was thriving, the zombies were happy, the gift shop was selling tons of Keep Calm And Rrrrrr! t-shirts. It had been weeks since they ate one of our interns. But then it all went wrong.

How come?

We ran out of toast.

How did you let that happen?

I didn't let it happen. We just couldn't afford it anymore.

Why not?

You know that guy, Buck Flagg?

The hedge fund douche bag?

That's him. Well, when he realized how important toast was to keeping the zombies calm, he cornered the toast futures market.

What do you mean, toast futures?

He bought all the stuff that would eventually become toast in the future.

You mean, bread?

Yes. Exactly. He bought all the bread. And then he jacked up the price three thousand percent!

That's a lot of percent!

I know!

Did you try to reason with him?

Of course I did. First, I explained how important a steady supply of toast is in keeping the zombies happy. Without it, there was a very good chance that we'd have to shut down.

And what did he say to that?

He said, and I quote, sucks to be you.

What a jackass!

Right?

Although in fairness, it kind of does suck to be you.

Tell me about it! Honestly, I'm glad that I'm turning into a zombie. I could really use a break. It's exhausting being hated by everyone.