Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

Power Couple

Buck Flagg

Investor

BUCK: Hey, guys! Come on in!

What's wrong with your face?

BUCK: What do you mean?

You're smiling.

BUCK: I smile all the time.

Yes, but it isn't your usual spiteful rat-like kind of smile. You know, a "taking-candy-from-a-baby-is-so-satisfying-I'm-going-to-buy-up-all-the-candy-and-jack-up-the-price-so-high-that-only-billionaire-babies-can-afford-candy" smile. This smile is something almost... human.

BUCK: I'm just happy. Is there anything wrong with that?

Yeah. It's disturbing. So stop it.

BUCK: I can't! I just feel so... tingly!

So what is the source of all this happiness?

BUCK: Isn't it obvious?

Wait, did you...?

BUCK: Yup. I bought myself a woman!

I'm sorry... what?

BUCK: I mean, I fell in love with a woman!

Which is it?

BUCK: It's both! Do you want to meet her?

Probably not.

BUCK: Lila, sweetie, can you come in here for a minute?

(Yes! That Lila! God help us all!)

LILA: Hi, Aaron! I'm getting married! Can you believe it?

I really can't. So how did this, um...

LILA: Love affair for the ages!

I was going to say "unholy abomination," but sure. How did this "love affair" come about?

BUCK: It's a tale as old as time. Boy looks for investment opportunities, Girl turns out to have a rare immunity from the zombie fungus, Boy sees fantastic opportunity to secure Girl's proprietary rights to Girl's unique genetic markers.

LILA: And then nature just took its course.

What course would that be?

BUCK: The signing of legal documents to create a new LLC, the filings with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, renting out a BLS-2 research facility.

So romantic. Like an Elizabeth Barrett Browning poem for rapacious pharmaceutical robber-barons.

BUCK: We should put that in our vows!

Why do I think that this is just another get rich scheme?

BUCK: It started as a get rich scheme. Or technically, a get richer scheme. 'Cause I'm already really fucking rich. But Lila convinced me that it was our duty to give away the cure for free!

Seriously?

LILA: Some things are more important than money.

Like what?

LILA: The good of the human race, of course!

BUCK: You see why I'm so smitten by her?

Wow! It just goes to show that even the most vile of humans have innate goodness! We're talking about Mother Theresa territory here! I mean, the idea that you two are going to give the cure to everyone who needs it? Amazing!

BUCK: Whoa, whoa whoa! Back it up! Nobody said that!

Then I'm totally confused. What are you talking about?

BUCK: Let me explain, OK? Now, I'm not saying Hitler was a good guy—

—Which should be the end of that sentence—

BUCK: —but he had a point about eugenics.

The point being... it's monstrously evil and we should avoid it at all costs?

LILA: The point being that we want the human race to be as good as it can be.

BUCK: And because Lila and I have — as far as we know — the only cure, we get to decide who gets to use it! Isn't that right, buttercup?

LILA: Yes, snuggle bunny! I've always wanted to be part of a power couple! Until Buck dies and I'll just be a Power Person.

BUCK: God damn, I love this girl!

I know I'm going to regret this, but how will you decide who does, and doesn't, get the cure?

LILA: Well, obviously we want everyone who gets it to be totes enlightened like us.

BUCK: Also, anyone who ever wronged me in any way can lick my left one. Spiritually speaking.

LILA: We want people who understand that the physical world is an illusion and we are all eternal spiritual beings reaching out to touch the Divine. Also, good skin is a must. And definitely no one who wears Mom Jeans or track suits or bucket hats or asymmetrical haircuts or nose rings or ear gauges or Covergirl Lip Stain.

What about people of color?

LILA: We're all for people of color.

BUCK: Yeah, those leaf blowers aren't going to blow themselves. And speaking of people who can blow themselves? All those teachers, employers and grandparents who told me that I was destined to be a violent sociopath, you couldn't have been more wrong! Turns out that I'm a nonviolent sociopath!

LILA: This is why you should never have assumptions about people! Except for Armenians who are all drug dealers, no exceptions.

BUCK: Either way, the dick-ticks who mocked me are definitely not getting the cure! Have fun in Zombie Town bitches! Rrrrr!

LILA: But the the worst thing is dealing with people who don't self-reflect. The ones who go around totally oblivious, you know? Like, everyone hates them and they have absolutely , like, no idea.

Yeah. Those people sure are annoying.

LILA: I know, right? Get a clue!

I have to say, you are both awfully comfortable playing God.

LILA: First of all, I'm not playing God. I'm playing Godess, Mr. Chauvinist!

My apologies.

BUCK: And really we're only "playing God" in the sense that everyone should worship us because we determine who lives and who dies.

Which is the literal definition of playing God.

BUCK: I'm good with that.

So that's your plan. To decide who should survive the zombies and then have babies and start a master race of people with good skin and no Mom Jeans.

Buck: Yes, our heirs will rule them all!

So you're going to have children?

LILA: Of course! Little versions of us, as far as the eye can see!

No offense, but you don't strike me as the pregnancy type.

LILA: Pregnancy? No! Ew! Gross! We're going to pay surrogates and let them have them deal with it. I want more of me, but I don't want stretch marks.

BUCK: Seriously. Her body is a work of fucking art, man! Giving Lila stretch marks would be like putting your foot through a Rembrant. Which I actually did one time. You should have heard all those artsy-fartsy types crying. "Oh, me, oh my! That priceless masterpiece is gone forever. Boo hoo hoo!"

Hm. A world reborn in the image of the two of you. I'm not sure if I want to live in that world.

BUCK: Well, you won't have to worry about that.

Wait. You're not giving me the cure? Me?!

LILA: Sorry, Aaron, but that hairline has no place in a world reborn.