Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

What Are Facts?

Aldrich V. Royce, 52

Media Mogul

In a previous chapter, Kenny Lee (now Zombie Kenny) said that nobody was concerned about the possibility that the dead were coming back to life because "The local news clowns treated it like a joke." And I couldn't help but wonder why that was. To that end, I had the opportunity to sit down with the current owner of Omniscience Broadcasting, Aldrich V. Royce., which he inherited from his father, who inherited it from his father, who inherited it from his father, who started it from the ground up with the help of a monkey's paw.

I would say Royce is the poster child for Old Money, but people with old money don't have posters, they have oil paintings. Wearing an ascot and dark sunglasses, he seemed like a cross between Thurston Howell, III and Tommy Wiseau. To say he is pompous would be the height of understatement.

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Hello, Mr. Royce.

Hello, thing that is not myself.

Recently, an acquaintance of mine was a victim of the zombies and at least some of it was your fault.

I see. [Reaches into his pocket] Here are a few silver coins. Please give it to his grieving widow along with this release of liability waiver .

He wasn't married.

No? How fortunate! [Puts the coins and waiver away]

What I'm getting at is that he frequently watched your news station, but had no idea of the severity of the looming threat. So my question is, how come your station wasn't aware of the danger?

Ah-ha-ha-ha! We were fully aware, you insignificant dust mite. We are a professional news organization of the highest caliber!

That's debatable. But in fairness, it's not just your company. Your competitors didn't do any better.

To what competitors are you referring, sand flea?

The rival local news stations.

Ah-ha-ha-ha! There are no "rival stations," you silly nanobe.

What do you mean, no rival stations?

I acquired them all. Coast to coast.

What?! Really? You own all the local news stations?

I was under the impression you were a renown journalist. How did you not know that?

Good question. Lucas! How did I not know that?

[LUCAS: Yeah, sorry. Honestly, I've been feeling a little depressed lately and it's hard to focus. I feel like that guy in that comic who got his heart broken by that girl from another comic in that intracompany crossover.]

Do you want to talk about it?

[LUCAS: I really would. See, I got this letter from Stephanie—]

I think the words you're looking for are, "No, Aaron. I'm fine."

[LUCAS: Oh, sure, yeah. Don't worry about me. I'm good. Just like that guy in that movie. Star... something-or-other.]

Sorry about that, Mr. Royce. Shall we continue?

And who are you, thing that is not myself?

Um... Aaron Rubicon? I've been interviewing you.

Have you? Ah-ha-ha-ha! So you were! My, you are completely forgettable! You could vanish from the earth and who would even notice?