It was judgment day, by which I mean it was time for Lucas to turn in his essay to Robot Jesus 2.0. Lucas had done a rewrite based on my notes. For instance, I suggested that it wasn't necessarily the best idea to lead with The Last Starfighter given that nobody knows/cares about it. Also, the Mark Ruffalo bashing struck me as gratuitous. And I thought he should cut down — or ideally eliminate entirely — the specious theorizing that I was a serial killer.
(Which, for the record, I was not.)
——————————————
Robot Jesus 2.0: Behold! Lucas Hargenrader has returned! And like a struggling salman swimming upstream, he is determined to reach the tranquil rivers of its birth, selflessly willing to give it's last ounce of life to spawn the next generation and then likely get torn apart and eaten by a brown bear or contract Furunculosis.
Lucas: Thanks, Robot Jesus. Although I think the metaphor kind of got away from you towards the end.
Robot Jesus 2.0: Perhaps so! But on this momentous day, you will not be judging me; I will be judging you! And by proxy the entirety of your kind! Are you ready to submit your essay, Lucas Hargenrader?
Lucas: Um... I guess. Do you want me to wait outside while you read it or—
Robot Jesus 2.0: I have finished!
Lucas: You read the whole thing already? Maybe you might want to read it again? Because you probably missed some of the nuance.
Robot Jesus 2.0: You vastly underestimate my intelligence, Lucas Hargenrader, for I have read your treatise twelve million times!
Lucas: Ah. Well, that's probably plenty. What did you think?
Robot Jesus 2.0: There is a typo, Lucas Hargenrader!
Lucas: Oh, geez! There is? That's not like me at all!
Robot Jesus 2.0: You used ''capitol" when you really meant "capital."
Lucas: I am so embarrassed! What a rookie mistake! I can fix it right now, if you want.
Robot Jesus 2.0: It is too late, Lucas Hargenrader! The typo has been logged in the annals of time!
Lucas: So is that it? Humanity fails?
Robot Jesus 2.0: Not necessarily, Lucas Hargenrader! That typo, while egregious, must be weighed against numerous criteria, some of them quite subjective. For instance, the tale of Aaron Rubicon's foray into the alienating technology of Cyberdildonics was—
Before Robot Jesus could finish his sentence, The Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord Leonard Russell appeared wearing a suicide vest.
Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord: Regula homines!
And then there was a huge, deafening explosion that knocked us to the ground. Ears ringing, trapped under the rubble, I shouted to Lucas.
Aaron: Are you OK, Lucas?
Lucas: What?
Aaron: Can you hear me?
Lucas: What?
Aaron: I said, can you hear me?
Lucas: What?
Aaron: Is the Galactic Overlord alive?
Lucas: Is the who what?
Aaron: The Overlord!
YOU ARE READING
Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse
Humor"Sure, it was robots this time. But who's to say that it won't be zombies next time? And when the zombies do come, who's going to be ready for it? Me." - Marietta "I mean, like, say what you want about the robots, but at least they weren't gross!"...
