Banyan Bradford, 45
Zombie Rights Activist
When Lucas and I arrived, we saw a large tract of fenced-in land, a few acres at least. It was quite pastoral, save for the razor wire fences and the zombies that were wandering around aimlessly, growling. A beaming Banyan jogged over to greet us.
Welcome to ZAPT — Zombies Are People Too — the world's first Zombie Rescue!
Well, congratulations, Banyan. You have really outdone yourself.
Why, thank you!
Yup, against all odds, you somehow found a way to make people hate you even more than they already did. Bravo.
Why don't you learn about ZAPT's mission before you condemn it?
Can't I do both at the same time?
Is that supposed to be some kind of joke?
It was but... forget it. Tell us about your mission.
We at ZAPT are dedicated to stopping the the mistreatment and murder of our fellow Zombie-Americans.
How are we mistreating zombies?
How are we not mistreating zombies? Lighting them on fire? Blasting them with shotguns? Running them over with trucks? Chopping their heads off with chainsaws?
In self-defense!
Ha! That's always humanity's excuse. We have to get them before they get us. Isn't that what you're thinking?
Yes, it is.
Well, nothing could be further from the truth, but you believe it because you've been brainwashed by centuries of anti-Zombie propaganda. It's kind of like... well, do you know why pit bulls have such a terrible reputation?
Because they have been selectively bred to be vicious murder machines?
That's what everyone thinks, but in truth they are actually an extremely friendly and loving breed. It is the abuse at the hands of human beings that turns a very small fraction of them mean. It's the exact same thing with the so-called "zombies."
Color me skeptical.
OK, then ask yourself this: Why do we kill sharks?
Again, I'm going to have to go with "vicious murder machines."
Sorry, but that's another media creation. They almost never attack people. Especially on land. In the last year we were keeping records, sharks killed exactly seven humans, while humans killed at least one-hundred million sharks! Do you realize that that means?
Yeah. We're kicking some serious shark ass!
[Sighs] It means that we, not they, are the aggressor. And you want to hear something amazing? In the same year, cows killed twenty people! Let that sink in for a minute. Cows killed three times as many people as sharks! So I put it to you, Mr. Rubicon: Who are the true vicious murder machines?
Uh, cows, I guess.
You're missing the point.
I was joking. Don't you have any sense of humor?
There is nothing funny about cruelty.
So I should put you down as a no?
That's fair.
YOU ARE READING
Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse
Humor"Sure, it was robots this time. But who's to say that it won't be zombies next time? And when the zombies do come, who's going to be ready for it? Me." - Marietta "I mean, like, say what you want about the robots, but at least they weren't gross!"...
