After Lucas began working for me, he and Stephanie started writing letters back and forth to each other, which I found rather charming. Two star-crossed lovers kept apart by fate, in the form of me and my trusty taser.
When the quarantine was imposed, I found myself going stir crazy and, desperate for a project to work on, I asked Lucas if he would mind if I published selected excerpts from their personal correspondence. Lucas said no, citing his right to privacy, which, all things considered, was pretty hilarious.
So here we go...
Dear Stephanie,
Well, this feels retro, doesn't it? Corresponding by snail mail! I feel like one of those ridiculous old people who refused to give up on AOL because the internet scared them. I mean, I don't think I've ever written a letter before. I feel like I should grow a big beard and join the Union Army under the name Josiah Jackson.
My dearest Eloise, how I yearn to hear your voice, to caress your face, to see your unshaven armpits which is not unusual at this particular time in American history...
Anyway, as you probably noticed, I haven't been around for the last few days. Don't worry, it had nothing to do with our little spat. I actually had a really good reason: I've been kidnapped! Again! By the same guy! Can you believe it? I was dragged back to the same place as before and locked in the same cage! It's unreal! I feel like I'm in a mashup of Groundhog's Day and Taken.
Ned Ryerson! I have a particular set of skills. I did the whistling belly button trick! It was all personal to me! Bing!
So I have a favor to ask you: When you get a minute, please call the police and put this nightmare behind me. Can you do that for me? Then we can talk about the thing you wanted to talk about.
Yours truly,
Josiah (aka Lucas)
P.S. In case you're wondering, armpit shaving didn't become the norm until 1915 after Harper's Bazaar featured a model in a sleeveless evening gown.
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My Dearest Josiah,
How I have counted the days since you departed for the glorious battlefield. Of course, I do a lot more than sit around waiting for a man; feminism is coming into its own at this point in American history and I am a proud suffragette! Justice Demands the vote! And I vote to keep my armpits unshorn, whether you like it or not!
Ha-ha!
Seriously, you're sweet to be concerned about me, but Aaron told me where he was taking you and what you'd be doing. (I said goodbye but you probably didn't hear me because you had just been tased. You were twitching a lot, but Aaron assured me that was normal.) It's all so exciting! And it's great that the two of you have gotten to reconnect. Such a special relationship you have! Kind of a mash-up of Dead Poets Society and All The President's Men.
Seize the Day! Follow the money! We're laughing near you! Where's the goddam story?
As to our little squabble, I blame myself. I agreed to move in with you of my own free will, but truth be told over time it started feeling like I was trapped in a cage! (Not literally, of course. I can go anywhere I want, any time I want. But you know what I mean, right?)
I'm not saying it was your fault, but I am saying that we should welcome this opportunity to enjoy some breathing room, after which we will come back together with our relationship stronger than ever!
Can't wait to hear about the interviews! Give my best to Aaron!
Fondly,
Eloise (aka Stephanie)
YOU ARE READING
Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse
Humor"Sure, it was robots this time. But who's to say that it won't be zombies next time? And when the zombies do come, who's going to be ready for it? Me." - Marietta "I mean, like, say what you want about the robots, but at least they weren't gross!"...
