Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

Head Beats No-Head

Nancy Spark

It is Election Day and the polls will be closing shortly. Soon, we will see which candidate the electorate chose to solve the numerous and seemingly intractable challenges that has plagued our country. To get some insight into what to expect on this historic day, I sat with Clem's campaign manager, Nancy Spark.

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So this is a big day for America.

It is! For the first time since the Robot Apocalypse, we are going to have a democratically elected President! Talk about a ringside seat of history!

And yet, you seem very relaxed.

I am. Because I believe in my product. Also, this is my second glass of chardonnay. (Laughs)

So you are confident that Zombie Clem will win.

He will win.

Even though he's a zombie?

Data doesn't lie, sweetie. The polls have consistently shown Clem with a six to eleven point lead over Marietta.

But polls aren't always right, are they? There's always a possibility of an upset. And the polls don't take what happened yesterday into account.

Why? What happened yesterday?

Surely you know what I'm referring to. At that campaign stop?

We had a lot of campaign stops yesterday. You need to be more specific.

I'm referring to when Zombie Clem visited that local machine shop.

Oh, yes! To show his concern for the small business people who are the backbone of our economy. What about it?

Well, during his tour of the machine shop, Zombie Clem accidentally walked into an industrial bandsaw and sliced off his own head.

And?

And... he doesn't have a head anymore.

Well, first of all, that is a grossly misleading characterization of Clem's status. He does have a head. He just keeps it in a cupboard now.

But his head was separated from his body, right? We agree on that, right?

Yes, but that brings me to my second, and more important point. It has been well-documented that zombies don't need their heads to survive.

I mean, sure, but generally speaking, Americans like their Commanders-in-Chief to be , um, headful.

Things change. Old prejudices give way to new enlightenment. There was a time when Americans wouldn't vote for a Catholic or an African-American or a sentient slab of concrete, but that all changed with Kennedy and Obama and George W. Bush.

Bush was a sentient slab of concrete?

It's still being debated by historians whether he really was all that sentient, but it is a compelling theory.

It does explain a lot.

Doesn't it? And of course, there was a time, not too long ago, when Americans wouldn't have dreamed of voting for a zombie, but then along came Clem Boykins, who currently has a commanding lead over his opponent. Something, by the way, that you said could never happen.

I grant you, I might have been wrong about the public's appetite for a zombie candidate, but they are not going to accept a headless president.

Why not?

Because he has no head! He has no mouth! He can't even go, Rrrrr!

True, but he does make a sort of gurgling sound in his throat.

I'm not sure how that will go over at the State Of The Union address.

Oh, he'll be more than fine! You haven't heard him. He gurgles with gravitas. I think it's the lack of head that makes for excellent acoustics. His gurgles are positively Churchillian!

All right, but even if the public is willing to vote for a headless zombie — which I very much doubt — don't you think they'd prefer a president who actually has a head?

They absolutely do! We've done a lot of polling on it and, all things being equal, head beats no-head every time.

Doesn't that mean Marietta will win?

Not necessarily. Let's not forget that she has her own liabilities. For instance, there are questions about her mental health.

But she has a head.

And a lot of people are put off by her wooden speaking style.

True again, but she does have a head.

Plus, she is a she, the least popular gender for a presidential candidate.

But, once again, she has a head!

My word! I have never in my life met anyone so fixated on heads!

That's because, as you said, people overwhelmingly prefer that their presidents have heads! And whatever else might be true about Marietta, the bottom line is Clem doesn't have a head and Marietta does! And not in a cupboard, either. An attached head! And no amount of clever spin can change that!

Actually, I said they prefer heads all thing being equal. But the voting public — except for those rare single issue voters who only base their decision solely on the candidate's head or lack thereof — generally evaluates a wide range of facets before making up their minds. I'm not saying they don't take the head into account, but it's not generally the only — or even most important factor.

Can you give us some examples?

Let's say you're a conservative. On the one hand, you are aghast at your candidate's lack of head... but you want your tax cut so you vote for your headless candidate. Or if you're liberal, naturally you don't want your candidate to have no head, but if you're vegan and your headed candidate is only vegetarian, you will of course refuse to vote for someone who only agrees with you 99.99999999999 percent.

What about libertarians?

They're adorable! Stumbling around like toddlers! Bursting into tears whenever they run into the furniture! I just want to hold them in my arms and sing them to sleep!

TV Anchor: Breaking news. The polls have closed nation-wide — except in Hawaii and Alaska, but really, who cares? — and we at Omniscience Media are prepared to make our first projection. With zero percent of the precincts reporting, we have determined that Headless Zombie Clem Boykins is the President-Elect of The United States.

Well, congratulations, Nancy. You did it.

Why, thank you, Aaron!

How do you feel now that you've won?

I feel like I've proven my point. Marketing is marketing. And I know that somewhere in heaven Suresh is looking down and smiling at me.

He may be in heaven — although I very much doubt it — but you are still stuck down here with the rest of us, with a headless zombie the leader of the free world. What do you think about that?

I think... I'll have some more chardonnay. Care to join me?

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Together, we sipped our wine and watched the fallout. We watched Marietta's, well, the media was calling it a "concession speech" but it really was more of a string of obscenities (all bleeped out) followed by seppuku (which they showed in close-ups in high definition). To add insult to self-inflicted injury, her body was devoured by zombies.

Then they cut away to Clem Boykins, who gave a speech of his own: "Gurgle. Gurgle-Gurgle. Gurgle."

And I have to admit... for a bunch of gurgles, they were surprisingly reminiscent of Churchill.