Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

A Grown-Ass Man-Toy

Tyler Stevens, 23

Boy Toy

Yes, I know what you're thinking. Couldn't I get a different spokesperson for the scientific community? You would think so, but it is in fact extraordinarily difficult to track down experts who have the kind of access to the world's leading scientific minds — not to mention other parts of their anatomy — that Tyler does. Most recently, he has been "involved" with one of the world's leading infectologists, Dr. Chandra Meyer.

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Welcome back, Mr. Stevens.

Hey! Great to see you again! Notice anything different about me?

You grew a beard. Kind of.

I did! 'Cause I am done looking like some immature boy toy. Now I look like a grown-ass man-toy!

You do, indeed.

Thanks. So what can I do you for?

I was hoping you could give us some insight into the the zombie virus.

Well, actually, it's not a virus at all. Chandra's theory is it's a fungus.

So it's like a mushroom?

Sort of. [Grins] And you know what else is like a mushroom?

I'm sure I do. So explain how—

I'm talking about my penis.

Super. So this fungus—

My penis is shaped like a mushroom, is what I'm saying. For her pleasure.

I get it. And I get it.

Cool. Just wanted to clear up any lingering ambiguity.

You did. So the zombie fungus...?

Right. We're dealing with a microscopic fungus, which invades the host — us — through a bite or a scratch or really anything that breaks the skin. It then spreads throughout the body. And what's amazing about this fungus is that it has the ability to transmit neural impulses, and the result is a decentralized neural network.

Boom! That's right, mofo! You just got back-handed across the face with some righteous info! Oh, yeah! That's gonna leave a mark!

Are you done?

Sorry. I just like knowing stuff.

Clearly. So is this decentralized neural network the reason that headshots don't stop zombies?

It is. It also makes them hard to kill with piercing weapons or blunt force trauma. Heck, you cut off their arm and the arm keeps coming after you. Why? Because their brains aren't just in their heads. They're everywhere.

But all this it comes with a cost. Their system is redundant and therefore less vulnerable, but they also think and react much slower than we do.

So what is the best way to kill them? Or re-kill them, I guess.

You need to simultaneously effect as much of the body as you can. It's why flamethrowers are so effective. I'm sure high explosives would work. If you managed to push them into a vat of sulfuric acid or an active volcano, that would also do the trick. Although I'm not sure how practical that is.

How about swords?

I wouldn't recommend them.

What about Marietta Weiss?