Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

My Scumbag Clients

Andrew Newberg, Esq.

Andrew was the feckless lawyer who represented Marietta during her trial. As we all saw, he wasn't very good. More recently, though, his career has taken something of an upturn when he argued a case in front of the Supreme Court that could have a profound impact for the future of humanity.

This interview was conducted while Andrew was waiting to hear the Court's decision.

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This is a big day for you.

It's a big day for everybody.

Are you nervous?

Strangely, I'm not.

Really? How come?

Because for the first time in my career, I have right on my side.

You've never had right on your side before?

I'm a defense attorney. My clients were always guilty.

Really?

Of course. I mean, the police don't arrest you for no reason, right?

You're not supposed to take their word for it.

Why? They seem like good guys.

You know about Miranda, right?

No. What did she do?

Never mind.

Look, I do my job. I always pretend my scumbag clients are innocent, but they never are.

How can you be so sure?

Because they always get convicted.

Maybe you're just a terrible lawyer.

I'm not good enough to convince a jury that a guilty person is innocent, but I'd liked to think I'm good enough to convince a jury that an innocent person is innocent.

But you did finally represent an innocent person.

Yes. Marietta Weiss.

And she got convicted anyway.

She did. I failed her on so many levels.

But doesn't that suggest the possibility that you had other innocent clients, you just didn't notice?

Nope.

Okey-dokey. Let's back up a bit and delve into your history. What made you want to be a lawyer?

Originally, I didn't want to be a lawyer; I wanted to be a worm farmer.

Is that a real thing?

It is. Worms are an efficient, eco-friendly way to fertilize your garden.

Why didn't you do that?

Worms are icky.

So are lawyers.

True.

Where did you go to law school?

I went to the Cooley Law School at Western Michigan University.

That makes sense. It's the worst law school in the country.

Not if you want to be a lawyer for the mob.

Is that why you went there?

I wasn't aware of its organized crime emphasis when I enrolled. They don't exactly advertise that in their literature. Although looking back there were a lot of faculty members with "the" in their name.