Quicki Bendover, Age Unknown
Adult Film Star/Anti-Diet Soda Spokesperson/Author/Mom
Until Tyler Stevens alerted me, I had no idea that Ms. Bendover was such an influential figure in the scientific community. But she is. And the scientific community is clearly not happy about it.
[Note: Obviously, Quicki Bendover is just a porn name. Her real name is Fingerbang Fuxalot.]
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The medical community has some very unkind things to say about you.
I bet! [Laughs]
They have labeled you an opportunist, a fraud, an attention whore and a regular kind of whore. One Nobel Laureate described you as "the Marie Curie of our time, by which I mean she's radioactive and always up for anal."
Goodness! Sounds like I've touched a nerve! I guess "they" really don't like it when someone questions their dogma.
That or they don't want you muddying the waters with your nonsense.
What nonsense?
You've been saying that diet soda has caused the outbreak of zombies.
No no no. I'm not saying anything! I'm just asking the question, like any good scientist would. Did diet soda cause the zombie outbreak?
Did it?
Maybe it did. Maybe it didn't. That's not for me to say. But I do think it's worth investigating.
Because...?
A lot of people are very concerned.
Why are they concerned?
Well, after that best-selling book came out...
You're referring to the book, CONCERNED.
Yes.
The book that you wrote?
Well, someone needed to write it!
Why?
Because of all the concern!
Concern that you instigated by blaming diet soda for zombies!
Again, I'm not saying that diet soda definitely caused the outbreak.
Ms. Bendover, the full title of your book is CONCERNED: Diet Soda Definitely Caused the Zombie Outbreak!
Now available in paperback and audiobook. Soon to be a major motion picture.
They're making a movie from a book about diet soda?
It's the story of one mother's struggle to save the world from the horrors of artificial sweeteners. The working title is Artificial Sugar Tits.
Will this be a porn movie?
That's insulting! This is a serious biopic about a serious topic!
My apologies.
That said, there might be some tasteful fisting, but only if it's important to the plot. Which it will be.
Just like in The Jonas Salk Story.
I don't know who that is.
No one of importance. But what do you say to the experts who have thoroughly debunked, time and time again, the alleged link between diet soda and the zombie outbreak?
YOU ARE READING
Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse
Humor"Sure, it was robots this time. But who's to say that it won't be zombies next time? And when the zombies do come, who's going to be ready for it? Me." - Marietta "I mean, like, say what you want about the robots, but at least they weren't gross!"...
