Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

The Menopausal Marauders

Marietta

After Marietta escaped from prison she went straight to the Governor's Mansion and asked for a full pardon, which the governor quickly agreed to. In part, he was swayed by Marietta's story of injustice and bravery... and also he didn't want her to cut his head off. With her newfound freedom, she decided to get into the fight, recruiting other middle-age woman warriors and teaching them how to wield a sword.

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The press has been rather derisive about your all-woman anti-zombie force, calling it "The Cougar Company," and "The Militant MILF's" and "The Menopausal Marauders." What is your reaction to those terms?

Reminds me of my ding-a-ling ex-husband Ed. When I was being the good wife, cleaning the house and filing down the calluses on his feet, he gave me nicknames like Sweet Cakes, Baby Cakes and Cuddle Cakes.

I'm sensing a theme.

Ed liked his cake, that's for sure. But when I became an strong independent woman, the nicknames started to change.

To what?

Schizoaffective Disorder Cakes. A Danger To Herself and Others Cakes. That kind of fiddle-faddle.

So you're not surprised by the media's dismissiveness.

Eh. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, ding-a-lings gotta dingle. But it turns out there are a lot of women my age with a ton of pent-up frustration who couldn't wait to pick up a katana and lop a zombie's arms off.

And from what I can gather, you've been very successful against the zombies.

We have. We've been able to rid several towns of those unholy ham hocks. And we did it without setting anything on fire. Or using thermonuclear devices like those military fudge berries. And we always clean up after ourselves. You should see the mess the Army leaves behind. Body parts and blood everywhere! But we pride ourselves on leaving the battlefield cleaner than when we got there.

I'm surprised, after seeing your success, that the military didn't follow your direction.

Ha! Show me one man who asks for directions! You really think that Supreme Lord High Muckety-Muck is going to overhaul the entire U.S. Military on the say-so of a middle-age housewife?

Maybe. He seems like a pragmatic guy.

[NOTE: Shortly after this interview, Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord Russell responded to Marietta, saying, "Ha ha ha ha. No."

And since I can't that hobknocker him to listen to me, I'm going over his head.

To who?

The American people.

You mean...?

Yes, I'm running for President of the these forty-four United States.

Forty-four?

Did you forget? That mother of pearl nuked New England!

You know what? I did forget that! Man, my attention span is getting shorter and shorter!

Well, I didn't forget. This was a chicken plucking tragedy born of incompetence. Everyday I think about the terrible — and totally preventable — loss of Massachusetts, New Hampshire and... uh... Oh, fruity pebbles! I'm blanking on the other ones!

Doesn't really matter now, I guess.

The point is we need real gosh darn leadership.

And you think you're a better leader than Clem?