Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

Fraudulent Chickens

Quicki Bendover

Quicki called me out of the blue, saying she had something important to tell me. I know it makes me a bad person, but I was really really really hoping she had been bit by a zombie.

——————————-

OK, I'm here. What's the big news?

I'm going on a new book tour!

Oh.

Isn't that exciting?

I mean, I guess.

Also, I was bitten by a zombie.

You were? Oh my God! This is fantastic!

What's fantastic about it?

Well, for starters, it proves there is a god. Probably one of those petty, spiteful pagan gods, but whatever. I will take it!

You're happy about this?

You bet I am! You were the single biggest roadblock to finding a vaccine, peddling your preposterous theory about how diet soda was responsible for the zombie outbreak. And now your fraudulent chickens have come home to their fake roost!

Diet soda is terrible for you, and that's a fact. It causes strokes, heart attacks and diabetes.

But not zombie-ism.

I'm sure that's a huge comfort to all those people suffering on dialysis machines, day after day.

I'm not saying that diet soda doesn't have any negative health effects; I'm saying that it doesn't turn people into zombies.

There is no proof that diet soda doesn't make people into zombies.

That's because you can't prove a negative.

So you're saying that it is perfectly possible that I've been right all along.

I'm not saying that at all.

There's no shame in admitting you're wrong, Aaron. The important thing is that you learn from your mistakes.

I didn't make any mistakes! You did! And you'll realize how wrong you are when you become a zombie.

(Laughs) Don't be silly, Aaron. I won't become a zombie.

You're a real piece of work. I can't believe you're this deep in denial.

You're the one in denial. I will be fine.

Why? Because you you don't drink carbonated soda?

That's part of it. I also don't eat gluten or red meat or hydrogenated corn syrup. I take a shot of wheat grass every morning and I do Bikram Yoga every night. I do ear candling, Hawaiian Ho'oponopono, Fire Cupping Therapy, Bee Sting Therapy, Leech Therapy, Gua Sha, Vaginal Steaming and I took the vaccine.

Wait, what?!

Vaginal steaming. It's very healthy. See, you squat over a bowl of steaming water infused with mugwort, rosemary, basil—

I know what it is — well, I don't actually — but I just can't believe that you of all people would deign to take a vaccine.

Lila gave it to me. For free! She is so nice! It's like she's a long-lost flat-chested sister.

She's not flat-chested.

I'm not saying she's Emma Watson or anything, but in my business, if your boobs can't be used as a life raft, you're flat-chested.