Everyone Un-Died + My Gardener Bit Me: The Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse

Date Night

Tyler Stevens

With the stunning news of Lila's immunity and the possibility of a scientific breakthrough, it seemed like a good time to check in with Tyler Stevens for a medical update.

——————————

Hey, buddy! Good to see you again!

Likewise. How have you been?

Good. I've been working out a lot.

It shows. And is that a tattoo?

It sure is! My new friend Mad Dog did it for me. Badass, right?

NOTE: The tattoo is of the classic picture of Einstein sticking out his tongue, but in this case Einstein has devil horns and a forked serpent tongue.

I wanted something that said, "You'd better not mess with me!" but also paid homage to my love of science. And tongues.

Well, you nailed it.

Thanks!

So there's a lot to cover, but I guess my first question is: Why are we doing this interview in a prison?

Yeah, so, here's the thing. You know I was — under the auspices of Dr. Chandra Meyer, one of of the world's foremost authorities in the field of immunology — conducting a study on zombies.

By having sex with zombie women.

That was part of the methodology, yes.

What was the rest of the methodology?

Having sex with zombie men.

Well. That's a twist.

You see, the original study was roundly criticized by the LGBT community for its heteronormativity.

What did you learn from your, er, encounters with zombie men?

Penises are seriously gross.

You didn't know that before?

I hadn't seen them from this particular vantage point, if you get what I'm saying.

I am trying extremely hard to not get what you are saying.

I hear ya. Truly, I don't know how anyone puts up with them. Granted, mine is a work of art. It should be hanging in the Louvre behind museum glass, but I'm an outlier.

Great, but I still don't understand why you wound up in prison.

Right. So when the Supreme Court decided that zombies were people, we ran into a consent problem.

What kind of consent problem?

We didn't know what zombie consent sounded like.

I would have assumed it sounded like, "Rrrrr!"

It probably does. But can you differentiate a "No" Rrrrr from a "I desperately want you in side of me, you magnificently hung stallion" Rrrrr?

I'm pretty sure I can't.

Me, either. And that's why I'm here as a guest of the federal government.

I see. And how is Dr. Meyer's work going?

As it usually does in science: two steps forward, one step back.

Can you elaborate?

Well, the headline is that Chandy tested Lila's blood and she is indeed immune from the zombie fungus and Chandy has high hopes that she will be able to synthesize a vaccine.

That's terrific news!

It is. But then she hit a roadblock.

What kind of roadblock?

Well, as you know, funding was scarce and to continue her work Chandy needed a sizable infusion.

By which you mean sex?

By which I mean cash. Get your mind out of the gutter, Rubicon.

Apologies. Did Dr. Meyer get the funds she needed?

Yes, but it led to an unfortunate, but necessary compromise.

Which was?

Putting Quicki Bendover on the Board of Directors.

Wow. Talk about your deal with the devil. Does she still think that diet soda causes zombie-ism?

No. Now she believes that zombie-ism is caused by regular soda, too. I guess she's not so much anti-soda anymore as anti-carbonation.

I... suppose that's progress?

Chandy figured that it wouldn't matter what Quicki thought as long as she didn't interfere with her research.

Let me guess: She did.

No. She was completely hands off.

That's surprising.

The good thing about Quicki's scientific illiteracy is that she didn't know enough to wreck everything.

So it was smooth sailing.

Until Chandy got caught up in the consent scandal and also went to prison.

That's terrible.

Don't worry: She's in super-hot women's prison. Honestly, I wish I could serve my time there.

I'm sure you do.

Someone told me that they have to wear bikinis, but that's probably not true.

Probably not.

Yeah. A one-piece would probably be more practical.

Anyway...

The point is that with both Chandy and myself incarcerated, Quicki now runs the foundation. And she made a lot of changes.

Such as?

She changed it from a non-profit to a, um, profit.

Why?

It's more profitable.

Makes sense. But who is doing the research?

From what I can tell, she's appointed her friends to continue Chandy's work.

Um, aren't her friends all porn stars?

They work in porn. I'm not knowledgable enough to say if they're "stars."

Come on. I'm sure you'd recognize at least some of their names.

Not really. On principle I refuse to watch pornography. It's demeaning to women and it gives young people unrealistic expectations. Plus, it is all mechanical, devoid of the shared emotions that makes sex so fulfilling. Especially if they're being fulfilled by me, if you get what I'm saying.

I do. So what is the next step in the the search for the cure?

Unfortunately, there's not much we can do right now, especially because we still have no idea of how the zombie plague originated.

I thought Robot Jesus 2.0 said that it was the body hair removal system that created the zombies.

I'm sorry... what?

You didn't know that?

Believe it or not, when you're in prison, you're not always up to date on the latest science news.

Apparently there was gene manipulation involved.

Wow! That's huge! Someone should get word to Chandy.

Because it will help with the cure?

Because she hates grooming down there. But, yes, it would also help the cure. Anyway, I hate to cut this short, but I have to get back to my cell.

Lockdown?

Date night. And Mad Dog does not like to be kept waiting.